Before I even conceived, I envisioned a child who would be completely at ease in the arms of friends and family. I imagined a joyful baby who would never experience stranger anxiety. How naive I was, not just as a new mother, but as a guardian of my daughter.
When my baby, whom I’ve named Ella, reached 10 weeks, we attended a significant family gathering. On that particular day, Ella was unusually fussy, and I decided to wear her in a ring sling. Another mother, who had her third child around the same age as Ella, made comments about me being an “overprotective mom” and “coddling” my baby. These remarks elicited both laughter and discomfort from me; we prefer a gentle and calm parenting style rather than the “coddling” approach suggested. My primary goal was to enjoy the event while ensuring Ella was content pressed against my chest. Baby-wearing seemed the best solution for us to enjoy the occasion and maybe even eat a warm meal.
Despite my instincts, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as if I were being a “bad mom” for not allowing others a turn with my baby. This guilt compelled me to compromise my comfort, and I reluctantly passed Ella to someone else, despite knowing neither of us wanted that.
As Ella reached five months, she began to show signs of stranger anxiety, exhibiting behaviors like avoiding eye contact. I still tried to let others hold her, but she would cry each time. Whenever we calmed her down, the dreaded question arose: “Can I hold her?” I didn’t want to deny loved ones the chance to bond, but I also wanted to prioritize Ella’s feelings. The people-pleaser in me felt the urge to agree, but I gradually came to value my child’s sense of security over others’ opinions. It was crucial to learn from my experiences as a new mom.
I realized that Ella is naturally shy. She takes her time to warm up to family members, even those she sees regularly. There are times when she only wants her parents to hold her, and when people get too close, it makes her uncomfortable. My husband and I often find ourselves in the position of comforting a distressed child. This is perfectly fine with me, but it seems others sometimes misinterpret it, thinking we don’t trust them or that my postpartum challenges are to blame. None of this is true; we simply recognize Ella’s comfort levels in social settings and aim to respect the boundaries she has made clear.
I have stopped trying to force Ella into being a “social baby.” While we continue to gently encourage her socialization, we no longer let ourselves be swayed by others’ perceptions. I refuse to apologize for her tears when she is held by someone unfamiliar, nor will I feel guilty about wearing her when she’s tired. I won’t allow people she rarely sees to invade her space and cause her distress. My previous attempts to push her out of her comfort zone only prolonged her discomfort, and that phase was exhausting for all involved.
Now at 18 months, the most crucial lesson for Ella is understanding that she has control over her own body. She has every right to decline any hug or touch, whether verbally or non-verbally, and she can inform us if someone makes her feel uncomfortable.
This doesn’t mean we want her to be rude or avoid acknowledging others, especially family. We still encourage meaningful interactions that respect her comfort, often from the safety of our laps. Our aim is to foster a socially graceful child who knows that her body belongs to her and that she can choose how to engage with others. For instance, she can opt for a high five instead of a hug or choose to interact from our lap if she feels uneasy.
Reflecting on my pre-baby self, I chuckle at my simplistic assumptions. Parenting is a complex balancing act of nurturing loving children while instilling a sense of boundaries. We are committed to raising Ella in a supportive environment, ensuring she never feels pressured to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. My hope is that she grows into a confident woman who understands her worth and embraces her autonomy.
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In summary, parenting is about understanding and respecting your child’s boundaries while nurturing their social development. It’s essential to prioritize your child’s comfort over societal expectations and to teach them that their body is their own.
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