Recently, I had a conversation with a friend grappling with feelings of exclusion in her friendships. Many women in my circle are stressing over guest lists for their children’s milestone celebrations, anxious about the fallout from necessary cuts. One close friend often feels hurt when she discovers that a couple of our mutual friends spent time together without her. Another expresses frustration at being the last to learn significant news.
I’ve experienced my own moments of feeling sidelined—birthday celebrations I wasn’t informed about, shopping outings, or weekend get-togethers at the pool where I was notably absent. When these feelings of rejection arise, I often vent to my partner and chastise myself for being immature. Yet, if I’m being childish, it seems I’m not alone.
As we enter our forties, aren’t we supposed to be wiser? Why do we still feel like schoolgirls whispering on the playground? What’s fueling this friendship turmoil?
My core group of friends, formed over a decade ago when I relocated to a new city, remains strong and vibrant. We come from diverse backgrounds and experiences, having met as new mothers in playgroups and preschool settings. Over the years, our circle has expanded as women have joined our community. Together, we’ve navigated various life changes: relationships, marriages, births, losses, unemployment, and more.
Our group has evolved into a large network with overlapping mini-circles. Some friends enjoy playing tennis together, while others take family vacations or attend concerts as a group. As our children grow, so too do our friendships, deepening in connection and understanding.
With my kids becoming more independent, my friendship circle has also widened. It now includes childhood friends, those I bonded with in high school, and my college confidantes. I’ve even formed connections with fellow writers online, spinning friends from class, and yogis from my practice.
I once had an electronic pen pal, sharing secrets behind the glow of my computer screen. Now that we live nearby, we’re transitioning our friendship from virtual to real-life interactions. I’ve also forged strong bonds with mothers from my children’s school, creating a unique connection forged by shared experiences over the years.
As Gloria Steinem eloquently stated, “Women understand.” Our connections often transcend age, economic status, and cultural backgrounds—barriers that can complicate male friendships. Despite having a large social network, feelings of exclusion and insecurity can still creep in. Why do we fixate on that one friendship that seems to be faltering when our lives are otherwise brimming with connection?
I believe friendships are a mix of chemistry, timing, shared interests, and often history. As we age, our priorities shift, and the choices we make may not align with those of our friends. Our needs evolve, and so do our relationships; yet, we often resist allowing friendships to change, wishing they would remain static.
Friendships act as anchors during life’s unpredictable upheavals, and we long for those anchors to stay firmly in place. However, change is inevitable, and expecting friendships to remain unchanged is both unrealistic and limiting to their potential.
Zadie Smith noted that as women grow older, friendships can become more complex. It’s easier to maintain friendships when everyone is young, but life choices can lead to misunderstandings.
When I find myself feeling left out, I remind myself, as I have advised my friend, that change isn’t inherently negative. Relationships with strong foundations can weather tensions and trial. Just because a friend is preoccupied doesn’t diminish our bond. In yoga, we learn to focus on our own mats—appreciating the beauty around us without succumbing to envy.
If feelings of exclusion linger, it’s essential to communicate openly. We often discuss our feelings with family but hesitate to voice them to friends, fearing we might rock the boat. But relationships can handle a few waves. We’re older now; it’s time to embrace wisdom.
In summary, friendships in our forties can be filled with complexities that echo the insecurities of our teenage years. Despite the growth and expansion of our social circles, feelings of exclusion can still surface. Embracing change, communicating openly, and recognizing that each connection is unique can help us navigate the emotional landscape of adult friendships.
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