In the realm of parenting, certain phrases can inadvertently undermine the efforts of those navigating the labyrinth of child-rearing. Take the case of my friend, Sarah, a single mother whose daily routine resembles a meticulously orchestrated military operation. Each morning, she begins with feeding her infant while her toddler is entertained by a show. Following this, she prepares breakfast, dresses both children, organizes lunches, and manages to get herself ready for work—all while the kids remain captivated by yet another program. After dropping her children off at daycare and nursery school, she rushes to work, only to repeat the cycle in reverse at day’s end, culminating in a whirlwind of groceries, dinner supervision, baths, and bedtime stories.
Despite this relentless schedule, Sarah seldom voices complaints. However, during one school pickup, she confided her desire for her kids to watch less TV. In response, another mother suggested, “Can’t you just lay out some crayons or craft supplies? That’ll keep him busy for a little while.” With a heavy sigh, Sarah acknowledged that while that might seem simple, the allure of television kept her children occupied far longer than crayons ever could—and the cleanup was another hurdle entirely.
Similarly, another friend, Lisa, often resorts to pre-packaged meals due to her demanding job. When she mentioned wishing she could prepare more home-cooked dinners, someone suggested, “Why not just meal prep on the weekends?” Lisa, however, pointed out that her weekends were already filled with errands, chores, and childcare duties.
These exchanges, while intended to be supportive, can leave mothers feeling somewhat inadequate. It subtly implies that if only they were more efficient, their families could enjoy wholesome home-cooked meals and engaging playtime instead of screen time. Yet, the truth is that many of us, regardless of our schedules, find it challenging to balance cooking, exercise, personal interests, cleaning, and quality time with our children. I, too, struggle with this, despite having a flexible work arrangement. Some days, I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of tasks that slip through the cracks.
It is essential to acknowledge that not every challenge has a straightforward solution, especially when time and energy are limited. Embracing imperfection is a more realistic approach—whether that means opting for takeout or allowing extra screen time.
I experienced my own moment of frustration when my second son was just six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park outing in Manhattan, a daunting trek from our home in Brooklyn. When I declined, my friend remarked, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and bring a travel stroller?” The logistics of wrangling both children felt insurmountable in that moment. I realized that sometimes, the burden of expectations can lead to guilt, especially when one feels unable to manage what seems like a simple task.
This phrase—“can’t you just…”—is deceptively minor but can significantly impact parents already struggling with the challenges of daily life. Some parents may not have the capacity to cook from scratch or maintain a spotless home. At times, the only solution is to reassure one another that we are doing just fine.
As a community of parents, let’s retire this phrase from our vocabulary. It’s not our role to solve each other’s dilemmas, particularly when we already know the potential solutions. Instead, let’s embrace real talk: “It’s okay to enjoy Stouffer’s” or “We watched countless hours of TV, and we turned out just fine.” While the urge to “fix” things is strong, sometimes the best support is simply acknowledging that everyone is doing their best under challenging circumstances.
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In conclusion, let’s foster a supportive environment where parents can feel comfortable sharing their struggles without the weight of judgment.
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