In the public domain, you, my mother, have made it clear that you believe I harbor a deep-seated hatred for you. You even used the word ‘despise’ to describe my feelings towards you. The truth is, I don’t despise you. I long for the mother I once knew—the one who would give my dolls joyful bubble baths and watch classic sitcoms with me. How could I possibly despise you? You are my mother.
However, I have reached my limit.
I am exhausted from hearing your justifications for being unreliable. The excuses about why you can’t be trusted behind the wheel, the explanations for your latest injury, the denials about your drinking habits, and the claims that your medications do not alter your personality—all of these have become unbearable. The reality is, your drinking and pills transform you into someone I scarcely recognize.
I can no longer tolerate your fabrications. Lies about your drinking, your medications, your comings and goings, and your relationships have piled up over the years. I am weary of the façade you present to the world while I deal with the consequences of your actions. Your continuous deceit has tarnished not only our relationship but also my reputation as a mother. I refuse to have my children exposed to your toxic behavior.
I am finished feeling responsible for your struggles. I spent too many years in my youth wondering how I could have changed your choices, believing that perhaps I could have prevented your reliance on alcohol. I recall the times you threatened to harm yourself based on your perceptions of my inadequacies. I carried that weight for far too long, but I can no longer do so. Your decisions belong to you, not to me.
I am done accepting blame.
I did not create the string of poor choices that have led us to this point. I did not choose the alcohol, the lies, the infidelity, or the painful words that haunt me. I did not make the choice to ride in a car with you while you were intoxicated, nor did I ask for the moments when you wished for a tragic end while driving. I am done believing that your behavior is somehow my fault.
It’s also not my decision that you have not sought help. If it were up to me, you would have reached out for assistance long ago. You could have been a thriving member of recovery programs. You could have found a knowledgeable therapist to help you navigate your challenges. Instead, you deny the impact that your drinking and medications have on your life and the lives of those around you. You have turned a blind eye to my pleas for you to seek help.
Thus, I must take a stand.
I cannot force you to choose me or to pursue healing. I can only make decisions for myself, and I choose to walk away. I choose to protect my children from the consequences of your choices. I will not allow you to verbally abuse me in their presence or drive them around in unsafe conditions. I refuse to let your demons invade their lives.
Instead, I am committed to being the best mother I can be for my children, even if that means being deemed a “bad daughter” in your eyes. They deserve a nurturing environment, and so do I.
Until you are ready to genuinely commit to improving your life, I am choosing to distance myself. I cannot control your actions, but I can control my response. I will not allow you to create chaos in my life any longer. I am determined to raise my children in a safe, loving home, shielded from your toxicity. In choosing them and myself, I must prioritize their well-being over our relationship.
So, do I despise you? No, I feel sadness for the lost potential of what we could have shared. I genuinely hope that one day you will seek the help you need. If that day arrives, perhaps we can reevaluate our relationship.
For now, we will remain estranged, and I refuse to feel guilty for that decision.
In the context of family dynamics, it can also be beneficial to explore various aspects of motherhood and the journey of parenthood. For insights on fertility and home insemination, consider resources like this fertility booster or the Pregnancy and Home Insemination podcast for additional support.
In summary, the process of distancing oneself from a toxic parent can be challenging but essential for personal and familial well-being. Prioritizing a stable and nurturing environment for one’s children is a valid choice, made from love.
Leave a Reply