To the person who doesn’t recognize the validity of my son’s sensory challenges:
Yes, he is a selective eater. Yes, his food choices are limited. Yes, he is aware that Cinnamon Toast Crunch isn’t a balanced meal. And yes, even when he’s hungry, he will refuse your (insert any food here that isn’t Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Vanilla Oreos, Velveeta Shells & Cheese, pizza, apples, or Pringles). This isn’t due to him being “spoiled.” It isn’t a result of us “giving in” to him or “always letting him have his way.”
And it’s definitely not because your mac and cheese is unappetizing; it’s due to his sensory processing challenges. He won’t eat it today, tomorrow, or next Thursday. This isn’t a matter of my parenting, nor is it yours; it’s about his well-being.
You might assume, “He’ll eat it when he gets hungry enough,” but the reality is, he likely won’t. As a mother who understands, advocates for, and loves him, I won’t put that theory to the test. Would you be willing to taste “just a bite” of spoiled food from a dumpster on a sweltering summer day? No offense, but that might be how your mac and cheese registers to him.
His sensory sensitivities stem from his autism, not from inadequate parenting or because he is a “stubborn, strong-willed child.” His sensory system is on high alert, processing smells, tastes, sights, and textures in a way that differs from most people. Thus, his refusal to eat your mac and cheese is not intended to insult you; it’s a form of self-protection. Consuming foods he finds familiar and enjoyable provides him with a sense of safety. Even if your mac and cheese is award-winning, to him, it represents an unpredictable risk.
When he was younger, he would shout “no, no, no” at any unfamiliar, unwelcome food placed in front of him. Now that he’s older, he articulates how your mac and cheese feels threatening to his sensory system: “My brain and my body won’t let me eat that.” It doesn’t matter if it’s a pungent hard-boiled egg, a mouthwatering brownie, or your mac and cheese—his body and mind say “no,” and I honor that because I respect him. I wish you could do the same.
If you would take the time to read some of the articles, blogs, and books I’ve suggested, you might gain a better understanding of him and his sensory experiences. This could lead to fewer conflicts and more connections. You might begin to notice how much progress he’s made rather than focusing on how far he still has to go. You may begin to see him instead of just the untouched plate of mac and cheese.
Next time we visit, please consider serving Velveeta Shells & Cheese instead—not out of a desire to “give in,” “spoil him,” or “let him win,” but out of love, respect, and a genuine effort to understand his sensory needs. By learning more about this remarkable child you care for, you can become more aware, accepting, and sympathetic. Perhaps then, you will truly see him rather than what occupies his plate.
Sincerely,
Jessica’s Mom
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