Today, I officially submitted your enrollment packet for daycare. It’s a significant milestone—you’ll be joining your older sibling at “school” next week. Initially, I felt a pang of guilt for having your sibling in daycare while I enjoyed time at home, but I quickly recognized how invaluable this exclusive bonding time has been. Your big brother had my undivided attention for 20 months, and during the 10 weeks following his birth, my world revolved entirely around him. You deserve your own special time, and I needed this opportunity to fully focus on you.
In the grand scheme of things, your birth was relatively straightforward. We were discharged from the hospital within 48 hours, and I was back to running errands in my comfy pants within a week. Unlike your sibling, you were content to be laid down, allowing me to catch some much-needed sleep each night without the constant worry of monitoring every breath you took. (And let’s keep this between us—I may have dozed off with you in my arms a few times.) Breastfeeding was also a smoother process for us; I didn’t endure the same emotional rollercoaster of pain and tears that I experienced with your brother, nor did I spend countless hours with lactation consultants and other new moms at support groups.
While I juggled work emails from home (despite my PTO expiring just eight days in, essentially working without pay), I crafted a maternity leave to-do list. It included “organize closets” (check!), “learn to cook” (I managed to use the oven more than the microwave and ordered takeout less frequently, so that’s a win), “set up a will” (thanks to Uncle Dave, an attorney, this was a breeze), and “write a novel” (not completed; some goals were a bit ambitious).
Yet, one crucial task was glaringly absent from my list: simply enjoying my time with you. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t realize maternity leave could be such a precious time, especially since my previous experience was clouded by sleep deprivation and anxiety. My Type A nature also didn’t help; it seemed like an oversight to prioritize leisure in a to-do list.
During your first month, you mostly slept, and I had the chance to enjoy those snuggles, but I didn’t let myself relax (I just had to deep clean the bathrooms!). Then, your sibling fell ill and was home from daycare, I battled sore throats and congestion for weeks, and you caught a nasty bout of RSV (this cold and flu season was brutal). Between hospital visits—two of the scariest days of my life—you showed remarkable resilience, and we spent our time at home either sleeping or dealing with runny noses (me) and the bulb syringe (you). Our sick days were not the quality time I envisioned.
As March rolled in, bringing with it the end of our illnesses, I realized I had less than four weeks left before returning to work. I should have been laying you on your tummy for playtime instead of clearing out my desk, organizing files, creating a family budget, and dragging you through Home Goods and Target to spend every dollar on said budget while re-decorating the house and organizing closets with all the bargains I found.
Now, as I stare at my calendar with just one week left, you’re lying on my lap cooing and flashing that adorable gummy smile. It brings tears to my eyes, perhaps from hormones, but all I want to do is revel in this moment with you, shake that rattle you’re so focused on, and read all the books in your library—without a care for work or anything else.
While I’m now committed to leaving my to-do list unfinished and focusing on you, I can’t shake the anxiety about returning to work and leaving you in someone else’s care for most of the day. One week. Just one week to soak in those gummy smiles, relish your warmth as you snuggle on my chest, and introduce you to “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” and “Guess How Much I Love You.”
Someday, I’ll elaborate on how inadequate maternity leave is in our country and advocate for new mothers to receive six months of paid time off with their newborns. But for now, I need to apologize for not fully appreciating our first weeks together. I mistook this time for “free time” to accomplish tasks that could wait, when it’s clear the most important thing I could have done was to love you.
Summary
As I approach the end of my maternity leave, I reflect on the bittersweet transition of returning to work while cherishing the moments spent with my newborn. Despite the challenges faced during this period, the importance of nurturing our bond stands out as a vital memory.
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