How I Became a ‘Parenting Specialist’ Before Parenthood

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Before I had my own children, I was convinced I had all the answers when it came to raising kids. You know the type—those with pristine outfits that lack any trace of toddler-induced stains. They have no idea what it’s like to have a child stealthily insert a booger into their hair while they wrestle with a shopping cart’s safety strap.

Here are some of my “expert” beliefs and the realities I’ve faced since becoming a parent:

1. My Children Will Never Misbehave in Public
   I was certain my kids would never throw tantrums in public spaces. I imagined them gliding through stores without a fuss, unlike those other kids who scream as if they’re being chased by a shark through the cereal aisle. In reality, when my kids unleash their inner drama queens, I find myself asking strangers if these rowdy little ones are theirs or whispering to nearby shoppers, “I’m just the babysitter.” At times, I even applaud my children for their impressive acrobatics as they flail about.
2. I Will Always Look Presentable
   Oh, how naïve I was! While I didn’t intend to abandon my appearance, I often forget critical grooming rituals like brushing my hair or putting on makeup. Thankfully, I’ve never neglected to wear pants—so there’s that.
3. My Kids Will Eat Healthy Meals
   The truth is, getting my toddlers to eat anything beyond crayons and stickers is a victory. When they opt for chicken nuggets instead of vegetables, I feel like I’ve won a small battle. I mitigate my guilt by sneaking in gummy vitamins—a necessity in my parenting arsenal.
4. My Home Will Always Be Tidy
   Reality check: My house resembles a toy factory explosion. Cleaning up after little ones is as futile as trying to clean a blender that’s still running. The only way my home could ever be spotless is if it spontaneously combusted.
5. I Will Never Be Late
   Ironically, the only time my kids move at a snail’s pace is when we need to be somewhere on time. On average, they seem to possess the ability to bend time, taking what feels like negative minutes to get ready. And don’t even get me started on the battle of putting on coats and shoes.
6. I Will Not Bargain with My Kids
   Negotiation is an art form I’ve mastered, albeit under the guise of promoting independence. If little Sam wants ice cream, they must finish their chicken nuggets first. In reality, it’s just a clever form of bribery—call it what you will.
7. Screen Time Will Be Limited
   During the long winter months, when our family is one snowflake away from cabin fever, the TV becomes a much-needed refuge. It’s a magical box that grants me precious moments of peace, allowing me to mentally regroup.
8. I Will Not Get Frustrated with My Kids
   Sometimes, I play a secret game of hide and seek, retreating to unexpected spots like the dryer, where I can secretly snack on candy.
9. Traveling with Kids Will Be Easy
   A trip to the grocery store requires more supplies than early settlers needed for westward expansion. If our ancestors had toddlers along, they would’ve reached Ohio and decided that was far enough after a meltdown or two. While we do travel with kids now, I’m still navigating the emotional aftermath in therapy.
10. My Kids Will Pay Attention to Me
    I’ve come to accept that my kids can hear me but not listen—unless I’m yelling at an auctioneer’s volume. By the time they register my requests, I might as well be selling livestock at a county fair.

The humbling journey of parenthood challenges your character, patience, and endurance in ways you never imagined. Perhaps surviving the Alaskan wilderness while being pursued by wolves is a bit tougher, but it’s a close call—especially if those wolves have their own sticky fingers.

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In summary, the transition from pre-parental “expert” to the reality of parenthood is filled with unexpected lessons and humbling experiences. The reality is often far messier, louder, and more chaotic than any preconceived notions.