Editor’s Note: This is NOT medical advice. The CDC strongly advises against smoking during pregnancy.
To begin, my first child was somewhat of a surprise. The decision to conceive happened after a long night spent socializing, complete with smoking and drinking at a local venue where smoking was still permitted. At that time, I was a dedicated smoker, consuming about a pack of Marlboro Light 100s daily. The habit began in my college sophomore year and continued unabated for years. Additionally, I dealt with unmedicated ADHD, leading me to crave stimulants—something I often self-medicated with caffeine and nicotine.
When the pregnancy test revealed two blue lines, excitement mingled with anxiety. I quickly reached out to the only midwife available locally, who suggested valerian root as a means to quit smoking. In hindsight, I can confidently say that valerian root was ineffective for me.
Two weeks into my pregnancy, I experienced a threatened miscarriage, which turned out to be the result of unrelated issues. However, that event triggered intense fear and guilt within me. During a long ER visit, I found myself crying uncontrollably. I was overwhelmed with feelings of uncertainty and guilt regarding my choices, leading to early signs of prenatal depression.
Many people are unaware that prenatal depression is quite common, and it can lead to feelings similar to those found in regular depression—apathy, a desire to sleep excessively, and even self-harm. The scariest aspect was the emergence of suicidal thoughts, though I never acted on them because I couldn’t bear the thought of harming my unborn child.
My ability to exert willpower was consumed by my struggle to stay alive and manage panic attacks. Unfortunately, this left me with little energy to quit smoking. So, I continued to smoke, albeit reduced to 2-3 cigarettes a day, always filled with guilt. My husband attempted to hide my cigarettes, but I found ways to procure them, even sneaking smokes while out with friends, ensuring no one would notice my pregnancy.
As labor approached, I again turned to cigarettes during the most painful moments, seeking any relief I could find. I stopped when we transferred to the midwife’s care, but once my son was born, my focus shifted entirely to navigating hospital procedures and bonding with him. In the whirlwind of the first few days, I realized I hadn’t smoked in several days, and I never returned to the habit.
To date, my son has shown no adverse effects from my smoking during pregnancy, aside from genetic predispositions like ADHD and eczema. However, I still grapple with fears regarding potential long-term consequences. I worry that my choices may have unknowingly set off a chain reaction, leading to future health issues for him.
I didn’t enjoy smoking during my pregnancy; I simply felt powerless to stop. If I could have quit, I would have done so in my state of despair. I loved my unborn child and never wished to harm him. I wish I could have turned back time and made different choices.
For further reading on reproductive health and home insemination, check out this article on using an at-home insemination kit, which could be helpful for those considering alternative pathways to parenthood. You can find more information at Make a Mom. For those seeking additional insights, Cryobaby provides valuable resources on this subject as well. Another excellent resource can be found at Parents, which outlines what to expect during your first IUI.
In summary, my experience of smoking throughout pregnancy was fraught with emotional turmoil and regret. Despite my best intentions, I struggled to quit in the face of overwhelming depression. Ultimately, my focus shifted to my newborn, and I was fortunate to find the strength to leave smoking behind. My journey serves as a reminder of the complexities surrounding pregnancy and mental health.
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