Updated: June 15, 2020 | Originally Published: April 18, 2018
This week, I ordered a tankini online. With a vacation coming up in late May, I was eager for something fresh and bold.
The package arrived yesterday, and my partner’s eyes brightened with excitement. I had hoped the top would cover my high-waisted bottom enough to keep my skin mostly concealed. But it was easy to see from his expression that he wanted the opposite.
When I opened the box, I quickly realized that the top wouldn’t reach the bottom, but I tried it on anyway. I turned to face him.
“Don’t say no until you check the mirror! I honestly believe you’ll love it! It’s the best swimsuit I’ve ever seen on you,” he encouraged.
With a deep breath, I ventured into our extra room, now a cluttered space filled with unpacked boxes, home to my only full-length mirror.
As I feared, several inches of my round belly were visible. A glimpse of my purple, vertical scar also peeked above the waistband. My C-section scar is positioned higher than typical, a result of my firstborn’s emergency delivery after a grueling 40-hour labor. My second son was born the same way. That scar is purple, uneven, and impossible to conceal.
Yet, despite this, I snapped a quick mirror selfie and messaged it to two friends with the words, “I’m keeping it.”
Stepping out, I was met with my partner’s radiant smile. We both knew this swimsuit was here to stay.
Even with the joy bubbling inside me, I still felt compelled to ask, “Should I cover my stomach? What about my scar?”
“You mean the mark of our children? Clara, you deserve to soak up the sun just like everyone else.”
And I do.
I deserve the warmth of the sun, the feel of ocean waves against my skin, and clothing that allows me comfort during the scorching Southern summers. I deserve to lounge on the beach, even if my body occupies more space than others. I deserve to sip fruity drinks by the pool and share kisses with my partner in the midday sun.
I am entitled to dismiss every negative thought about my body and truly embrace life, for I am a person — not merely a collection of perceived flaws.
My partner knows the story behind every aspect of my body. I want to wear the swimsuit he adores to show him that his opinion matters more than any judgment from strangers. He understands the diets, workout routines, and late-night snack escapades that make up my life.
He also shares in those moments when we sneak away from sleep to whip up late-night treats, laughing together at our favorite comedies. This man knows my life, my habits, and my body — and he loves me not for my size, but simply because of who I am.
His love enriches my life, but it does not define my worth.
I would still be deserving of joy, laughter, and respect even if no one else on this planet wanted to see my body. My body’s worth is inherent because it is my home. I am significant on my own.
At 33 years old, I’ve spent far too many summers trying to hide, sending the message that I felt unacceptable as I am. My previous swimsuits screamed, “Please don’t notice me. I know I’m too much, which means I’m not enough.”
No more. NOT ANYMORE.
I have plenty of summers ahead, and I refuse to spend them in uncomfortable clothing and outdated swimsuits.
Because I deserve to feel the sun on my skin like everyone else.
And you, wonderful reader, deserve that too.
The time for hiding is over. Join me in embracing our bodies. It’s going to be amazing!
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Summary:
This article details a personal journey of self-acceptance and the decision to embrace one’s body, despite societal pressures and personal insecurities. It emphasizes the importance of feeling empowered and deserving of joy, love, and the sun on one’s skin. The narrative highlights the support of a loving partner and encourages readers to reject negativity surrounding body image.
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