It’s happened again—I messed up as a parent. My child wanted my attention and all I had to do was listen, but I overstepped. After days of waiting for him to open up about an important issue, when he finally did, I couldn’t resist launching into a lecture filled with advice, personal stories, and unsolicited guidance. The moment I did, he clammed up.
I thought I had learned better by now.
Do you ever find yourself in the same boat? I often feel a surge of instinct to take charge during conversations with my kids, as if I’m competing in an Olympic event for ‘Parent of the Year.’ Unfortunately, this tendency tends to shut them down faster than anything else.
What I’ve realized is that this approach is more about my own need for validation than it is about supporting my children. I want to feel accomplished as a parent, to go to bed knowing I’ve imparted every lesson I could think of. But what my kids truly desire is for me to listen.
Despite knowing this, I still find it challenging to prioritize their needs over my own. Reflecting back six years—a time when I vented to my colleague, Sarah, about my daughter’s refusal to heed my advice—reveals how far I’ve come. Sarah shared her own experience, emphasizing the power of reflective listening, a technique that has proven beneficial in her interactions with her daughter.
How Reflective Listening Works
Here’s how it works:
When a child expresses their feelings—“This happened, and then that was said, and now I feel this way”—the parent should respond solely by mirroring what was just shared, matching the child’s tone and emotion. For example:
Child: “I’m really upset because my friend said something mean.”
Parent: “Wow, that’s really hurtful! It’s understandable to feel upset about what your friend said.”
This technique embodies reflective listening, and Sarah was adept at it. After trying this method with my own kids, I was amazed at the results. This is what they crave—an opportunity to express themselves without interruption.
Often, when children share their experiences, they aren’t necessarily seeking advice; they’re processing their emotions and figuring things out themselves. Ultimately, isn’t that what we aim for? Raising independent children who can navigate challenges with their own judgment? Being an effective sounding board for them enhances our parenting credibility and strengthens our bond.
Now, as I continue to refine this approach with my teenagers, I witness the transformation in their demeanor. When I listen, they engage more openly, their body language shifts, and they breathe more easily. If I revert to my old habits of giving advice, their enthusiasm wanes, and the conversation halts.
I’ve made progress by recognizing when I slip up and apologizing. I often say, “I did it again, didn’t I? I just needed to listen, and instead, I talked too much. I’m sorry. Let’s try again soon.” And I genuinely strive to improve, even if I stumble along the way.
To foster understanding, I’ve requested that my kids keep me updated if they ever require advice or assistance. They humorously replied, “That won’t happen, but okay.” My heart aches a little at their response, encapsulating the reality of parenting.
This journey of learning to listen is ongoing. For those interested in related topics, you can explore resources on at-home insemination kits here, as well as this cryobaby at-home insemination kit. In addition, for comprehensive medical insights, check out this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination here.
In summary, the art of listening is key to nurturing a strong relationship with our teens. It fosters independence, self-awareness, and a deeper connection that they will seek out in the future.
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