As parents, we often witness various behaviors in our children, some of which can be troubling. There’s that child in school who teases others, makes unkind remarks, or manipulates games to control who gets to participate. For a parent, it’s excruciating to see your child’s actions hurt others, leaving you feeling frustrated and heartbroken.
I find myself in a unique position; I’m the parent of a child who is often labeled as a bully. However, I prefer to use the term “perceived bully” for now. To me, a bully is someone who intentionally seeks to harm or upset others. It’s a common misconception that bullying stems solely from poor parenting. While environmental factors like exposure to negative behavior or unsavory influences may play a role, sometimes the underlying causes are related to special needs.
I am a parent to multiple children with diverse special needs, each exhibiting their own behaviors. Two of my children, unfortunately, have been identified as bullies—one at home and one at school. My daughter, who struggles academically, possesses a genuinely kind heart. She relies on medication for certain behaviors, and her mornings can be quite chaotic. However, once her medication kicks in, she transforms into one of the most helpful and loving members of our family, often more so than her siblings without special needs. She adores her friends, thrives on social interactions, and enjoys organizing activities.
As the school year progresses, however, her reliance on medication can wane, and her challenges become more pronounced. Transitions, line-ups, and recess often trigger her negative behaviors. By the end of the day, when her medication has worn off, she may make hurtful comments to friends or family.
Once the holiday season passes, I typically start receiving notifications from teachers, parents, or even family members about her behavior. In our community, these messages are usually conveyed with kindness, allowing me the chance to address the issue with my daughter, teach her, and encourage apologies. Yet, for children with special needs, grasping the concept of cause and effect can be incredibly difficult. They may not comprehend that unkind words can hurt others, or that cheating can lead to other children seeking new playmates.
These social dynamics are often beyond their understanding, leading to unintended harm. My children do not seek to hurt anyone; they simply struggle with their behaviors due to their special needs—conditions that they will carry with them throughout their lives.
The most challenging aspect of being the parent of a perceived bully is witnessing the impact on both sides. While I recognize that there is a child who is hurt, I am also acutely aware of my own child’s struggles. As children progress through school, friendships and social interactions become increasingly significant. Being excluded from birthday parties or playdates can be devastating, and it pains me to see my child miss out on these connections.
I share my experience not only to connect with other parents of special needs children facing similar challenges but also to reach out to parents of those affected by my child’s actions. I deeply apologize for any hurt caused; my child is sincerely sorry as well. We never wish to see another child in pain.
I urge you to exercise understanding and grace. Remember that children are still learning and that many behaviors stem from challenges beyond their control. It’s perfectly acceptable to explain to your child that my child has special needs, which may lead to difficulties in social interactions or understanding games. My child truly wants to be friends and loves your child, even if they struggle in expressing that affection properly.
It’s crucial to approach these situations with empathy. Please don’t advise your child to avoid mine or to retaliate. Instead, recognize that what may appear as bullying is often a reflection of behavioral challenges linked to invisible disabilities. With compassion and education, we can work together to foster kindness and understanding, ultimately supporting both our children in their journeys.
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In summary, the journey of parenting a child who struggles with social behaviors is complex. By fostering an environment of understanding and compassion, we can work together to create a more supportive atmosphere for all children.
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