As a mother of three energetic kids, I often feel like I’m playing a never-ending game of zone defense. Time slips away, and I find myself glancing at the clock, hoping bedtime arrives soon while also stressing about all we have to accomplish beforehand. The days can feel both long and short at once.
In the midst of this delightful chaos, there are moments when I lose my temper. Admittedly, I can be a bit of a screamer (my kids might argue it’s more than just a bit). Recently, in a fit of frustration, I tossed all their toy guns into a trash bag—a reaction that felt more like an explosion than a thoughtful response.
The reality is that children need clarity about why they face consequences. They must grasp the connection between their actions and the resulting effects. Yes, taking away their nerf guns served as a consequence, but it was only when I explained my feelings that they truly understood the situation. After I calmly articulated that my anger stemmed from their refusal to clean the basement, a light bulb went off. They began to comprehend that ignoring my requests was not just disrespectful, but also ungrateful for their toys.
This understanding only came after I had settled down and they were no longer intimidated by “angry dragon mom.” Were their nerf guns still taken away for a while? Absolutely. Not cleaning up our messes results in losing privileges in our home. However, the way we communicate these consequences significantly alters their impact.
The truth is, fear-based punishment is not an effective way to discipline children. Instead, consequences serve a more constructive purpose. An article by early childhood educator Sarah Davis emphasizes the importance of natural and logical consequences, which provide children with a deeper understanding of their behavior compared to harsh punishments.
Davis notes, “In Montessori environments, we utilize natural consequences because we don’t want children to behave out of fear. We want them to act rightly because they recognize the effects of their actions.” How profound is that? We want our children to grow up realizing they can influence the world around them, both positively and negatively.
For instance, being kind leads to friendships, while being unkind results in isolation. Caring for their possessions means keeping them longer, while neglecting them leads to breaking or losing them. The logic is straightforward.
A piece featured in Psychology Today highlights the shortcomings of punitive approaches. “Punishment fosters compliance, not true moral understanding,” states Dr. Michael Karson, a psychologist. Children may follow rules in front of authority figures but may act differently when not observed. This behavior arises because they haven’t learned from the punishment; they’re merely trying to avoid it, lacking an understanding of why their actions were wrong.
When children grasp the idea of consequences, they are more likely to change their behavior for the right reasons. This understanding helps them evolve into more empathetic and self-aware individuals who recognize the significance of their actions.
Davis describes two types of consequences children should encounter—natural and logical. Natural consequences occur organically. For example, if a child runs by a pool and slips, that’s a natural consequence. As a parent, you can then discuss the incident and the lessons it imparts.
Logical consequences, on the other hand, require more parental involvement. Sometimes, undesirable behavior doesn’t come with an immediate natural consequence. For instance, neglecting to brush teeth may lead to cavities down the line, but explaining this to a young child in the moment is often ineffective. In such cases, we need to impose a logical consequence, like requiring the child to come inside when they aren’t playing nicely with others.
This approach to discipline is different because it lacks shame and fear. It teaches kids that while everyone makes mistakes, their actions carry weight.
Is this method flawless? No. Allowing natural consequences can be a challenge for a control-oriented mom like me. For instance, the author of the original article allowed her child to drink from a glass cup without a lid since infancy. That’s a hard pass for me; I can’t risk a glass catastrophe in my kitchen. Still, I appreciate her perspective on effective discipline, even if we don’t align on every practice.
Ultimately, between taking away toys and yelling, guess which option led to my kids being more likely to clean up? I wish they were motivated by an inner sense of duty and love for me, recognizing the effort I put into our lives. However, they’re kids, and just like I didn’t understand my mother’s struggles when I was young, they won’t appreciate mine until they are parents. The fact is, losing privileges is simply a more effective consequence.
Did I still discuss the importance of respecting our home, toys, and shared responsibilities? Yes. However, I don’t want fear of my anger to be their driving force for following rules. I want their respect—not a reaction born from fear of having their toys thrown away.
For example, my five-year-old recently attempted to pour his own milk while I wasn’t around, resulting in a milk disaster. But here’s the silver lining—he immediately grabbed paper towels to clean it up without running away or shifting blame. He recognized that his decision led to a mess, and the next step was to rectify it. I told him I was proud of him. (And reminded him to ask for help next time!) This experience illustrates that while implementing consequences can be daunting, they teach valuable lessons.
Parenting is undeniably challenging. There’s no one-size-fits-all guidebook for every child. However, prioritizing consequences over punishment could be a key shift that makes a real difference.
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