Parenting Insights
By Jamie Reynolds
Updated: April 15, 2021
Originally Published: July 22, 2018
“Don’t fret that children may not hear you; worry that they are always observing you.” ~ Unknown
Recently, I overheard a father discussing his experience as a single parent. He mentioned that his children, despite being quite young, didn’t realize he was gay. As a proud uncle to several nieces and nephews, this piqued my curiosity. I have previously given talks on how candid conversations about identity from an early age can help reduce bullying and homophobia. This made me wonder about his choice to keep his sexuality from his kids.
Let me take a moment to acknowledge the challenges of parenting. It’s a demanding journey, particularly for single parents. I spent a day at the beach with my cousins and observed how one of them, managing two energetic children, seamlessly juggled their needs. I thought to myself, “How do single parents keep it all together?”
As I listened to this father explain how he navigates conversations with his almost five-year-old son, I was struck by how his son expressed a desire to have kids and get married someday, even asking, “Why haven’t you married yet?” The father’s response was, “It hasn’t happened for me yet, but I hope it will in the future.” He then swiftly moved on to another topic, feeling that his sexuality didn’t need to be discussed unless his children inquired directly.
While I respect each parent’s approach to discussing sensitive topics, it’s crucial to consider what might be missed in these conversations. What led him to deflect his son’s inquiry?
Earlier this year, I was out with my nieces and nephews, aged 5-11, when I noticed a transgender individual working at a local restaurant. It was refreshing to see such representation. Later, while showing my phone to the kids, an email from the LA LGBT Center appeared. My seven-year-old nephew asked, “What does LGBT mean?” After I explained it, they immediately recognized what being transgender meant, even referencing “Bobby,” a name they had assigned to the person they saw earlier. To my surprise, they had a solid understanding of the concept, even before I provided the definition.
A study by Andrew Shtulman in 2014 explored how children come to disbelieve in Santa Claus, highlighting that intellectual growth leads to this realization. Ironically, the same cognitive development that lets my nieces and nephews recognize the significance of being transgender also nudges them to question long-held myths.
There’s a hidden struggle within the LGBTQ community, particularly among gay men, regarding internalized homophobia. Despite being openly gay, we grow up absorbing societal norms and messages that can unconsciously influence our perspectives. These biases can subtly shape our interactions with children, even if we don’t realize it.
Three years ago, when my six-year-old nephew asked if I had a girlfriend, it became clear how deeply ingrained societal attitudes about relationships are. His innocent question, along with my family’s reactions, illuminated layers of homophobia that often go unnoticed.
While I can’t definitively explain the father’s choice to change the subject during his son’s inquiry, it serves as a reminder that silence often communicates just as strongly as words. Children learn from everything we offer them, including what we choose to withhold.
If a child can articulate thoughts about marriage and family, they are certainly ready to learn about different identities, including being gay. Love between individuals of the same sex is as valid as any other relationship they see in media. In a world that often defaults to heteronormative views, addressing these topics early fosters understanding and acceptance, helping to combat bullying and discrimination.
To any parent who feels no urgency to discuss such matters, I invite you to explore the motivations behind your choices. Reflecting on our own biases can provide insight into how we engage with the children in our lives. Our world is evolving, and the more we understand ourselves, the more progress we can make toward equality.
In conclusion, as we navigate parenting in a rapidly changing society, let’s commit to open dialogues that empower the next generation. Engaging with children about diverse identities is not just necessary; it’s a step toward a more inclusive future.
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