As a fourth-grader, I found myself sobbing into my pillow, worried that I might grow up to be a diva like Bette Midler. While most kids fret over silly things, my concern was very real: I feared I’d inherit her ample bosom. Bette is famously well-endowed, and her song about breasts in the movie Beaches only fueled my anxiety.
At just nine years old, I was already the only girl in my class needing a bra, and my mother reassured me that I was simply an early bloomer. She pointed out that I was taller than my classmates, suggesting I was just experiencing growth spurts ahead of schedule. She was right about my height, as I stopped growing the following year. However, my breasts? They’ve continued to grow, and at 37, they still have their own growth spurts.
I’ve surpassed Bette’s size by a long shot. If I ever meet her, I imagine she’d exclaim, “Wow, that woman has some serious curves!” To those who might say, “Lucky you, can you share some?” let me clarify: Yes, if you can figure out how! I have yet to find a way to make that a reality, but I’m open to suggestions!
Being “Busty Betty” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I wear a K cup, which feels less like a coffee pod and more like a bulk box. When I glance down, it feels like two toddlers are hugging me. While I joke about it, my breasts can be hazardous; a bra malfunction at a café once turned into a chaotic scene where I inadvertently knocked over several people. In the winter, my absence of a bra leaves tracks in the snow, and laying on my back can feel like they’re suffocating me.
Admittedly, there are some perks. I can discreetly stash a bottle of wine in my bra—I’ve got photographic proof. And yes, I can even check my temperature under one of them with an accurate thermometer. I might even offer a little puppetry at parties!
However, the downsides are overwhelming. I would happily trade my current size for a C cup if given the chance. Finding clothes that fit properly is a struggle, and I often have to shop at specialty stores for bras, which typically cost between $80 and $100. Imagine the frustration when my bra pops open, leading to unexpected situations. Furthermore, the skin irritation and infections that can arise from ill-fitting bras are constant challenges.
My back is already feeling the strain from carrying these heavy loads, making it a legitimate health concern. I often joke about having “the breasts that ate Toronto,” but beneath the humor lies a reality filled with discomfort. I’m thankful to have healthy and functional breasts, unlike many who aren’t so lucky. Yet, I sometimes daydream about the simplicity of walking into a store, finding a bra in my size for $20, and just buying it without hassle.
So, the next time you see me making light of my breast size, remember that beneath the humor, there’s often a deeper story.
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Summary
Having large breasts can be a mix of humor and hardship. While there are a few perks, like discreetly carrying items, the challenges often outweigh them. Finding suitable clothing and managing discomfort can be a daily struggle. Humor often masks the complexities and inconveniences that come with being well-endowed.
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