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Parenting
Insights from My Unwashed Dishes
by Lisa Henderson
August 6, 2023
Growing up in a household where dirty dishes were promptly dealt with, I learned early on that cleanliness was paramount. After every meal, we would load our plates into the dishwasher right away. Pots and pans were cleaned, dried, and returned to their rightful places immediately after dinner. If I left a glass on the counter, it was always whisked away by the time I returned.
My mother was a stay-at-home parent, and one of the perks of that was living in a spotless environment where dishes were never left undone. I took comfort in a clean home, finding peace in its tidiness. As I stepped into motherhood, I carried the same belief that my house should always be immaculate, and the dishes should always be washed. In my mind, a tidy home was a reflection of a “good” mom. After all, my mother managed it effortlessly, and she was a remarkable parent. I mistakenly tied my self-worth as a mother to the cleanliness of my home, believing that fewer dirty dishes in the sink equated to better parenting.
Have you ever paused to consider the expectations we impose on ourselves as mothers? The exhaustive checklist of things we feel we “should” accomplish to be deemed good parents?
When I became a single mother, managing a full-time job while raising two children on my own, I soon found myself overwhelmed and utterly exhausted. Some nights, just preparing dinner and navigating the bedtime routine drained every ounce of my energy. I would push myself to clean up afterward because that was what I believed was expected of me. But, in doing so, I began to harbor resentment toward those dirty dishes.
Those dishes became a symbol of my unrealistic expectations. Through my journey of self-discovery, I’ve realized that I tend to set exceedingly high standards for myself and others. This has taken a toll on my relationships with both myself and my family. I wrestle with perfectionism, believing that I must do everything flawlessly to receive love and acceptance. This mindset has ingrained the notion that I am somehow “not good enough.”
I am gradually learning to reassess my expectations. I strive to lower the bar a bit, recognizing when perfectionistic tendencies arise, and accepting that my best effort is sufficient. There is a saying in recovery: “expectation breeds resentment.” When I tackle the dishes—or any task—out of a sense of obligation, I set myself up for disappointment if I fail to complete them. Likewise, expecting others to meet my standards can lead to frustration.
A small shift in mindset has proven to be tremendously beneficial. Instead of framing tasks as things I “should” do, I now ask myself what I want to do. What do I have the energy for? What feels most significant at that moment? What is my priority?
I grant myself the freedom to choose, to trust my instincts about what feels right, and to ease my need for control. Some evenings, I have the energy to tackle the dishes right after dinner, and it feels rewarding (there’s nothing quite like waking up to a clean kitchen!). On those nights, I feel emotionally present and connected, even finding joy in this mindless chore.
However, on many evenings, I find myself too drained from the day’s demands. I give myself the grace to leave the dirty dishes in the sink until I’m ready to confront them. Instead, I focus my limited energy on reading to my children, tucking them into bed, and caring for myself before calling it a night. I choose self-compassion, lower expectations, and trust that the motivation to wash the dishes will eventually return.
And believe it or not, those dirty dishes always get cleaned up. When I’m ready to face them again, I feel grateful for prioritizing myself and my daughters. By allowing myself the choice rather than forcing tasks amidst exhaustion, I find genuine enjoyment in doing the dishes and appreciate the satisfaction of a clean kitchen so much more.
Ultimately, my unwashed dishes taught me the importance of self-care.
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