My son’s bright brown eyes squint as he leans in close to me. “I want a toy!” he yells.
In that moment, a million thoughts race through my mind, but the loudest is, “How did we end up here?” My son is generally a well-behaved kid. Sure, he has his moments, but he’s only four. Most of the time, I can chalk his behavior up to being a toddler. However, this outburst felt different; it stemmed from a sense of entitlement. Somehow, he believed that simply asking for something meant it was his for the taking, and that’s not the kind of environment I want to foster at home.
I’ll admit, I have spoiled my son at times. As a single mom, I sometimes overcompensated for my guilt by showering him with toys. Though I’ve reduced this tendency as he’s grown, old habits are hard to break. When I realized that my son was becoming increasingly demanding and disrespectful, I knew it was time to establish firmer boundaries.
Becky Thompson, a parenting expert, offers valuable insights on her website, Your Modern Family, about “unspoiling” children. I’ve been implementing some of her strategies, and while breaking these habits is challenging for both of us, it’s essential.
1. Maintain Consistency.
I must confess, being consistent is sometimes a struggle for me, but I’m actively working on it. Enforcing discipline consistently is often the most challenging aspect. One effective strategy is to implement consequences. For instance, if I have to remind my son more than twice to put away his toys, I take the toy away for an hour.
Thompson also advocates the “when, then” technique, which has been immensely helpful for us. For example, saying “When you finish your dinner, then you can have dessert” creates a clear expectation with a straightforward consequence. Reducing ambiguity is key to maintaining consistency. I’ve noticed that my inconsistency often occurs with time management. Rather than saying “ten more minutes” multiple times, I now set a timer on my phone. This way, we both hear when the ten minutes are up, minimizing arguments.
2. Clarify Expectations.
Setting clear expectations is especially crucial when leaving the house. For grocery shopping, I prepare a detailed list and share it with my son before we enter the store. This way, he understands that if he asks for something not on the list, it’s unlikely he’ll get it.
When shopping at a place like Target, where distractions abound, I clearly communicate that we won’t be visiting the toy aisle. Even if we are right next to it, we’ll pass it by. If my son throws a tantrum, he knows that he will lose a privilege—like screen time—when we return home.
3. Limit Impulsive Gifts.
It’s easy to slip into the habit of buying toys for no reason, and I’ve definitely fallen into that trap before. Purchasing toys can quickly lead to spoiling. If I see a toy on sale or one that might be hard to find later, I often cave in. However, this just sets a precedent of expectation for my son.
If he breaks or misplaces a toy, I don’t rush to replace it—just recently, I told him that if he couldn’t keep track of his crayons, I wouldn’t buy another box. I’m serious about this because cleaning up crayon bits is frustrating. By stopping the “just because” purchases, I’ve encouraged my son to value gifts. Typically, he only receives presents for Christmas and his birthday, although occasionally I might surprise him with a small treat for good behavior. If you find yourself saying, “Thanks for tidying up your toys, here’s a new scooter!” you might need to rethink your approach.
It’s natural to want to give our children things, but if we continually indulge them, they may begin to take us for granted. Resisting their demands can be tough, especially when all you want is a moment of peace. No one is saying that it’s wrong to spoil them occasionally; the problem arises when it becomes excessive. Establishing clear boundaries and consequences is easier than it may seem.
Initially, it will be challenging. Children are often resistant, and if they’ve been conditioned to expect everything for nothing, breaking that cycle can be tough. But remember, “No” is a complete sentence. Tears will eventually dry. You don’t want to raise a child who is spoiled and entitled because they will face the real world without you.
And you definitely don’t want to be “that” mom, do you?
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In summary, it’s important to recognize the signs of spoiling and implement strategies to encourage gratitude and respect in your children. Consistency, clear expectations, and limiting impulsive gifts can guide your parenting journey toward raising well-adjusted kids.
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