In fifth grade, I first encountered the term “gay,” and it was thrown at me as a derogatory remark. It was the late 90s, a time when Ellen DeGeneres had just come out, but in my Catholic school, conversations about sexuality were far from supportive. Being gay was not something embraced; it was merely a tool for bullying.
Fast forward two decades, and society has made significant strides toward inclusivity. The word “gay” has evolved from a slur to a symbol of pride, embracing a vibrant community. If my life had unfolded as I once envisioned in those elementary years, I might have simply moved on, reminiscing about those early headlines featuring Ellen and recycling old magazines.
But my life took an unexpected turn, leading me into a diverse community where I found my place. I married into this beautiful spectrum. My partner, Alex, and I welcomed a wonderful daughter named Lily, who is full of compassion and creativity. Then, Alex shared her truth with me.
When Lily was just over a year old, Alex revealed that she identified as trans. We had deep conversations, shedding tears and contemplating the world our daughter would navigate. We both agreed that one of the key lessons we wanted to impart to Lily was the importance of living authentically. Thus, Alex’s transition began.
Eventually, Alex and I decided to separate, but we committed ourselves to creating a strong co-parenting relationship. It was challenging, yet we became close friends, united in our goal of providing the best environment for Lily, who is growing up in a complex world.
During her preschool years, the kids were remarkably accepting. To them, having two moms was just a part of life, as long as they could play together. However, things took a turn when Lily received a birthday invitation. When Alex called to RSVP, she was met with silence. I called afterward and was warmly greeted until the parent added, “I was waiting for her real mom to call.” My heart sank. It was a harsh reminder of the societal challenges we still face. While being gay may not raise eyebrows anymore, being trans still carries its stigma.
Media representation has improved with shows like Transparent, Sense 8, and Orange is the New Black showcasing talented trans actors, but discussions surrounding trans identities—especially those with young children—are still developing. This reality is daunting for Lily.
It means we have to inquire about summer camp policies on bullying. We present a united front at community events to normalize our family dynamic (though the concept of “normal” is a bit unsettling). At parent-teacher conferences, we hear about Lily’s spirited personality, and we hope no one asks about her mom, Alex. Lily is honest yet hesitant; she has witnessed how some people react poorly when they learn that Alex was assigned male at birth. There have been moments when Lily saw police surround her mom simply for being herself.
“She gets scared when people ask. She doesn’t want to answer.” Thankfully, her kindergarten teacher has been a supportive ally, reinforcing that Lily’s family is just as valid as anyone else’s.
At my age of nine, I cried when someone called me gay. Now, at just six years old, Lily comes home in tears, struggling to explain how she doesn’t have a dad, despite having one who became a woman.
Alex and I continuously communicate, seeking ways to help her feel secure in her unique family situation. We strive to protect her innocence for as long as possible, allowing her to believe that love can heal wounds and that kindness exists in everyone.
Some may scoff at our journey, claiming Alex had a choice. Yet, after her second hospital visit due to severe depression, it became clear that the pressure to live as a man was unsustainable. I would rather have Lily grow up with two mothers and some questions than face the void left by a mother who couldn’t live authentically.
Co-parenting with a trans ex-partner is undoubtedly challenging, but it is also rewarding as we create a loving environment for Lily. We are committed to navigating this journey together.
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In summary, co-parenting with a trans ex-partner has its complexities, but it also fosters growth and understanding for our daughter. By supporting each other and prioritizing Lily’s happiness, we are creating a loving environment where she can thrive.
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