As a parent of two children with unique challenges, I’ve encountered my fair share of unsolicited advice and opinions. However, there’s one particular phrase that really grinds my gears: “Can’t you just…?”
I’ve been asked this far too many times regarding my daughter’s feeding tube. For instance, someone once said, “Can’t you just make her eat?” My response? “I could, but force-feeding someone is generally frowned upon, wouldn’t you agree?”
This phrase has also been directed at me when dealing with public meltdowns. “Can’t you just give her a spanking?” they suggest. I have to clarify, “You can’t spank the autism out of someone. But thanks for the input.”
Then there are the well-meaning folks who suggest, “Can’t you just find a babysitter?” when I mention how difficult it is for my partner and me to get out for a date night. My answer is usually, “It’s not that straightforward. Are you volunteering?”
Honestly, do these people think that after years of parenting these children, I haven’t already considered their “brilliant” suggestions? I’ve read countless books, spent endless hours researching online, and, most importantly, I’ve lived this experience day in and day out. Yet, somehow, their five minutes with my children gives them the authority to provide solutions.
If a parent of a child with special needs wants your advice, they will ask for it. We’re always seeking solutions to our kids’ challenges. Assumptions that we haven’t explored every avenue can feel patronizing. The truth is, nothing about raising kids with medical and behavioral needs is simple.
The bottom line is: If I could “just,” I would have done it already.
I understand that most people mean well; they simply don’t grasp what our lives entail. They want to help, but these kinds of suggestions often do the opposite. We don’t have all the answers, and sometimes it feels like we’re reinventing the wheel while navigating our children’s specific issues. When unsolicited advice is given, it implies that we haven’t tried hard enough to find solutions, which is far from the truth.
If you genuinely want to assist a parent of a child with special needs, refrain from offering unsolicited suggestions unless asked—especially if you’re not well acquainted with them. Instead, consider offering words of encouragement, such as:
- “You’re doing a fantastic job.”
- “I can imagine this is tough. Is there anything I can do to help?”
- “If you ever want some company, just let me know. I’ll bring the coffee!”
Often, a friendly, nonjudgmental ear is all we need. And of course, coffee. Plenty of coffee.
For more insights into parenting and fertility, check out our other blog posts, like this one on at-home intracervical insemination. You can also explore BabyMaker kits for your home insemination needs, and for those expecting, March of Dimes offers excellent resources.
In summary, when speaking to a parent of a child with special needs, it’s crucial to avoid phrases that imply simplicity where there is none. Instead, opt for supportive words and understanding gestures that can truly make a difference.
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