Lifestyle
“Mothers,” J.D. Salinger famously noted, “are all slightly insane.” My own mother, however, takes this to a whole new level.
Based on the updates I see in my social media feed, it seems that mothers tend to fit into two distinct categories: those whose moms are alive and thriving, and those whose mothers are not. But my situation is a bit different; my mother is alive, yet she is not truly present. She exists in body but is absent in every meaningful sense. And through my experiences, I’ve come to realize that there’s no one to acknowledge this ambiguous loss—no memorial service, no condolences, no support network. You’re unable to honor a woman merely for being alive when she has emotionally checked out.
My mother suffers from schizoaffective disorder, a condition that encompasses elements of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I’m not one to mock mental illness; I’ve inherited more than just her looks. Unfortunately, she is not seeking help—no therapy, no medication, no effort to manage her condition. If she were, I could see her as a survivor, someone with whom I could maintain a relationship. Instead, she refuses treatment, causing harm to herself and those around her.
Growing up alongside an emotionally unstable hoarder who frequently fluctuated between locked rooms and padded walls leaves a lasting impact. As I became a mother myself, the effects of my upbringing became even clearer.
- The Imposter Syndrome
Being a motherless mother, you will always feel like an outsider. You’re the one left out in the cold, the last one chosen for teams, or the lone first-grader without a Valentine. As you listen to friends share their mothers’ comforting stories during their pregnancies and childbirth, you feel a sense of disbelief, much like Chief Brody from Jaws, standing on the sidelines while others exchange their wild shark stories. You might have eventually informed your mom you were pregnant—or perhaps someone else did. Do people usually share these milestones with their mothers? Yours was lost in a world of delusions, convinced that the government was watching her through household appliances. The real tragedy is not just the moments you’ll miss with her, but that you can’t fathom why others cherish those experiences. - Lacking Maternal Guidance
While I don’t live in utter chaos, my domestic skills are far from polished. I struggle to gauge cleanliness and often feel like I’m playing a precarious game with household chores. Friends have playfully teased me for my unconventional dishwasher-loading techniques and my late discovery of how to mince garlic. I often have to remind myself: no one taught you these skills, and you’re doing your best. Yet, the anxiety of wanting to teach my child these life skills looms over me. - No One to Call in a Crisis
When my child experienced severe colic, the first eight weeks felt endless, filled with sleepless nights and constant feeding. I contemplated returning him, although I knew that wasn’t an option. During these moments of crisis, I yearned for my mother, but she was often unreachable, leaving me to rely on my mother-in-law and random online advice. When my child ran a high fever, I lacked the reassurance of a mother who could guide me through those fears. - Missing Out on Joyful Moments
Conversely, I also lack a mother to share in my child’s milestones. She wasn’t there to witness his first crawl or his steps; she didn’t attend my wedding, and I doubt she’ll be present for his. Her chaotic pursuits overshadow everything important. I can convince myself that I don’t miss her and that I can navigate parenthood without her. Yet, there are moments when I wish I could share a simple story about a messy situation, like strained turnips in the bathtub—something only a loving mother would appreciate. - Fears About Your Own Children
It’s well-known that mental illness often runs in families, and this reality haunts me as I gaze into my child’s bright blue eyes. Will he inherit my family’s struggles? Is he destined to face the same battles? Questions about the choices I made in bringing him into this world weigh heavily on my mind, even as he remains a healthy, happy child. - Worrying About Your Own Mental Health
While I fret about my child becoming like my mother, I also fear the possibility of becoming her myself. The thought of my child resenting me as I resent my mother is painful. Coupled with the guilt of my feelings toward her and the complexities of caring for an unstable adult, I realize I may inadvertently pass down a legacy of pain. - Scarcity of Cherished Memories
My childhood was filled with turmoil, making it hard to remember any happy moments. With a caregiver as erratic as mine, family traditions fell by the wayside. I lack cherished recipes or meaningful memories to share with my child; instead, I often resorted to quick, microwave meals. I want to create lasting traditions for my son, but I find myself struggling to come up with them. - Your Child’s Grandmother Void
I was fortunate to have two amazing grandmothers, each with their unique ways of showing love and support. My child, however, will grow up with a void where a grandmother should be. It’s complicated to explain to him why his grandma isn’t in his life. How do you tell a child that even though she’s alive, she cannot love or connect with him due to her mental state? - Embracing Self-Reflection
Over time, I’ve learned to forgive my mother for what she couldn’t offer and, ultimately, to forgive myself. This doesn’t mean I will neglect to do better for my child; that’s my top priority. However, I’ve come to understand the importance of kindness toward myself. The very act of questioning my capabilities as a mother shows that I am invested and present. - Becoming a Resilient Mother
Your past does not define you. You are not bound to replicate your mother’s mistakes. You care deeply—a quality she lacked. The compassion you’ve developed through your experiences can empower you to be a remarkable mother. You have the strength to navigate the challenges of motherhood, and you can create a nurturing environment for your child.
In summary, being a mother without a mother comes with a unique set of challenges and fears. Yet, it also offers the opportunity to forge a new path and create a loving environment for your family. You may not have traditional support, but the lessons learned from your experiences can make you a strong and empathetic parent.
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