One of the toughest aspects of ending my marriage with my ex-husband was grappling with the reality of our lavish wedding and the fact that it didn’t last. I found myself worried about how others would perceive me—would they pity me, shake their heads in disapproval, or label me as “the girl who craved the wedding more than the marriage”?
In an attempt to find closure, I reached out to my bridesmaids, apologizing for the financial burden they took on to support my wedding day. It was a moment filled with guilt. My friends, all young and trying to navigate their own lives, had placed their focus on my celebration. To my surprise, they were furious—not at me, but at the idea that I felt remorse for prioritizing my well-being and that of my children.
Another concern weighing heavily on my mind was how my social media “friends” would perceive me. I had been infatuated with my ex since I was 13. I can still recall our first awkward kiss at 15, a moment filled with laughter rather than romance. Throughout high school and college, our closeness prevented me from forming lasting relationships with others, as my heart was always tethered to him.
When we finally began dating, it felt like a fairytale. Our courtship was swift, lasting about a year and a half before we tied the knot. I adored him and our kids, and I didn’t hesitate to share that love with the world. However, the decline of our relationship was just as rapid. Within ten months, I went from celebrating our love to announcing our separation on social media. I knew my 700 “friends” might view me as a fraud, but the truth was our situation deteriorated quickly.
We sought help through various forms of counseling—marital, church, and even from friends—but to no avail. Our issues were too severe, and despite our efforts, our marriage crumbled.
Reflecting on my situation, I realized that I was worried about disappointing friends and facing judgment from acquaintances. Those concerns may seem superficial, but they weighed heavily on me. What about my children? Didn’t their well-being factor into my decision to stay in a failing marriage?
Ultimately, my children were the reason I chose to leave. My ex’s struggles were his own to share, but I can say that his behavior led me to a breaking point. Our home transformed into a battleground where confrontation was the norm. The chaos was overwhelming, and it was difficult for me to maintain my composure.
In those turbulent times, my mother lived only seven minutes away. Whenever things escalated, I would text her, not only to keep her informed but also to ask her to take my oldest son out of the chaos.
My eldest child, at just two years old, developed survival instincts. He would gather his baby brother’s favorite blankets and attempt to comfort him. He even tried to mediate between us, placing himself between his father and me during our arguments. His attempts were heartbreaking. After particularly intense fights, he would come over to comfort me, saying, “Mama, pwease don’t cry.”
How could I expect him to feel safe in a home filled with such turmoil? Staying in that marriage felt like sentencing my children to a life they didn’t deserve. We separated in April 2016, and it took nearly a year for my son’s anxiety to start to lessen. A raised voice would send him into panic, and he found comfort with my mother, not me.
The realization that I had failed my children was crushing. I allowed them to endure a toxic environment, all for the sake of pride and societal expectations. My youngest son was too young to remember, but my oldest and I had to rebuild our relationship from scratch. It took about six months for him to feel secure in my presence again.
I failed my children in my attempts to preserve a marriage that was beyond repair. Enough is enough.
I frequently hear phrases like, “We have kids,” or “I’ll stay for the children.” Even in less explosive situations than mine, the sentiment is misguided. Kids deserve more than a facade of love in an unhappy home.
When my children grow up and marry, I want them to experience genuine love and respect. I want them to know what a healthy relationship looks like and to seek that out in their lives. Marriage is challenging, and while it’s essential to work at it, if your relationship is harming your children, it’s time to reassess.
Your marriage was your choice; your kids didn’t ask to be born. As their parent, it is your responsibility to provide them with safety and peace, just as you provide for their basic needs. Staying in a toxic environment is selfish and irresponsible.
Does that sound harsh? Good.
I don’t want to shame anyone for their marriage. If love is real, you fight for it, but not in front of your children. If your issues disrupt your kids’ right to a peaceful childhood, you need to leave.
Last year, my oldest son and I took a trip to LA. At dinner, he climbed onto my lap, exhausted from traveling, and drifted off to sleep with his head on my chest. That moment was pure magic, a reminder of the bond we were rebuilding.
Being a mother is a privilege, and I will never take my role for granted again. What truly matters is the love and respect within our home. There’s no societal expectation worth compromising my children’s happiness or well-being.
My ex and I have developed a healthier relationship, prioritizing our boys’ needs over everything else. We’re focused on giving them a life filled with love, safety, and examples of healthy relationships.
If you can’t choose happiness for yourself, choose it for your children. They deserve it.
“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died from divorce.” —Jennifer Weiner
Summary
Staying together for the sake of children can lead to a toxic environment that harms their emotional well-being. The author shares her personal experience of leaving an unhealthy marriage, emphasizing that children deserve to grow up in a space filled with love and respect. Prioritizing their happiness is essential, and it’s never too late to choose a better path for both yourself and your kids.
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