From my favorite spot in the master bedroom, I settle into a generous armchair that faces the backyard. As I place my coffee mug down, I take a moment to bask in the sunlight streaming through the window. Embracing this “me time” is a new endeavor for me, but I’ve committed to dedicating 30-60 minutes each day to simply exist and quiet my mind.
No matter how many responsibilities weigh on my shoulders or who might be unwell, I’ve adopted a “no excuses” mindset regarding these daily moments of self-care. Sometimes I meditate, while other times, I immerse myself in a good book.
To an outsider, it might seem like I have mastered self-care and have found the perfect balance in motherhood. I often project this image, yet the truth is that there are days when it feels as if my entire world is falling apart and I’m coming undone. My anxiety often leads me to question whether I can find my way back to a sense of normalcy.
As a child, I was always anxious, and that anxiety has persisted into adulthood. Through my readings on personal development, I’ve come to understand that anxiety stems from a profound need to control my environment, daily routines, and future. It’s no surprise that minor disruptions—like a sick child or a malfunctioning air conditioner—can send me spiraling into panic. It’s not about the practicalities of the situation, but rather the overwhelming feeling of losing control when things go awry.
Ironically, being a mother of three has heightened this struggle. We all know how unpredictable children can be, and this unpredictability likely contributes to the surge of anxiety I’ve experienced since becoming a parent. I once felt ashamed of my anxiety, wearing a façade of calmness while navigating motherhood. I even kept my struggles hidden from my husband until last winter when it reached a level I could no longer manage.
The term “anxiety” is often used casually in our society, but for those who experience clinical anxiety, its true weight is profound. It transcends simple nerves or worries; it manifests as a relentless cycle of dread that can make getting out of bed feel insurmountable.
Last winter, my family faced a particularly challenging time with my 4-year-old son, who was scheduled for surgery and exhibiting behavioral issues we hadn’t yet addressed. Under the strain of stress and constant multitasking, intrusive thoughts began to surface. Feelings of inadequacy and shame overwhelmed me, making me question my worth as a mother, partner, friend, and professional. I felt isolated, unsure of whom to confide in for support. Eventually, I reached out to a few trusted friends while also scheduling appointments with my family doctor and a mental health professional. I began exploring self-help literature to uncover the roots of my anxiety and find ways to address it.
From the outside, no one could tell how deeply I was suffering. They only saw snippets of my successes, whether it was my thriving business, playful photos of my children, or social outings with friends. They were unaware of the internal battles I faced—the self-doubt, the intrusive thoughts, the desire to escape from my own skin.
Today, managing my anxiety is an ongoing journey. I’m diligently working to discover the right blend of mental and physical strategies to keep the darkness at bay. However, I must admit that it’s still a struggle. To those grappling with similar feelings, I want to express my empathy and emphasize that you deserve support.
In the same way that airline safety protocols advise securing your own oxygen mask first, your mental health must be prioritized. Just as you would seek medical attention for a physical injury, addressing mental health is equally important. Your mind is the nucleus of your well-being, so take care of it.
I wish for everyone to have access to quality mental health services and for the stigma surrounding mental illness to dissipate. I would like to reach out to every individual experiencing pain to let them know they are not alone in their struggles. By sharing my story, I hope to inspire others to seek the help they need.
Remember, we are all worthy and enough.
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Summary:
Navigating severe anxiety can be a daunting experience, especially for those managing the unpredictability of motherhood. While the struggle may often be hidden from view, it’s crucial to prioritize mental health and seek support. Embracing self-care and understanding the roots of anxiety can pave the way toward healing. Remember, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to ask for help.
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