Please Avoid These Comments When Speaking to Parents of Children with Special Needs

During my pregnancy, my doctor shared invaluable advice: “Samantha, there’s no single right way to parent. Skip the parenting books, avoid the online forums, and don’t seek validation from friends. Above all, trust your instincts. A mother’s intuition is unparalleled.” That guidance has been my foundation throughout my parenting journey.

Since becoming a parent, I’ve been struck by the volume of unsolicited advice that comes my way. However, if you have a child with special needs, the well-meaning suggestions and comments can become downright absurd and frustrating. Before I had my son, Max, I was just as uninformed. My only reference for autism was a popular movie, and I thought that was sufficient. So, I completely understand the ignorance that exists around this topic.

While I don’t claim to be an expert on autism, I am a true authority when it comes to my son. He teaches me something new every day, challenging my perceptions and ensuring I stay engaged. I’ve spent countless hours educating others about autism—its nuances and complexities—because our society often lacks awareness and understanding. Whether it’s friends, family, teachers, or even strangers, I find myself in the role of advocate and educator, constantly explaining my son’s unique needs.

Here are five phrases that parents of children with special needs wish you would stop saying:

“He/she doesn’t look autistic.”
This is perhaps the most common statement we hear. What does autism even look like? The idea that there’s a specific appearance linked to autism is misguided and offensive. It implies that those with autism can be identified by physical traits, which is simply not true. In reality, the only universal trait among children with autism is their unique charm.
“My kid does that too.”
While you may be trying to relate, it’s not the same. Comparing your neurotypical child’s behaviors to those of a child with autism is not helpful. Your child may have preferences or quirks, but they are fundamentally different from the sensory challenges our kids face. For instance, a haircut might be a minor inconvenience for your child, but for mine, it can be a profoundly distressing experience.
“Have you tried___________?”
The answer is likely, yes. Parents of children with special needs exhaustively explore every option available—therapies, diets, apps, you name it. When it comes to helping our children, we’ve likely tried it all. Recommending solutions may come from a good place, but unless you’ve walked this path, your suggestions may not be applicable.
“I’m sorry.”
Please reconsider this phrase. Saying you’re sorry for my child’s autism is not appropriate. My son, like many children with special needs, is happy and thriving. There’s no need for sorrow; rather, embrace understanding and acceptance.
“God only gives you what you can handle.”
This sentiment often feels patronizing. I don’t see myself as “special” for managing my child’s needs; I’m simply a parent doing what any devoted mother would do. Life’s challenges are there to teach us resilience, and while I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it’s my own strength that gets me through—not some divine intervention.

So there you have it—a concise guide on what not to say to parents of children with special needs. Remember, the journey of parenting a child with unique needs is filled with challenges, but also immense joy and growth. If you’re looking for more information on family-building options, including at-home insemination kits, check out this informative post or explore this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination.

Summary:

Navigating conversations around children with special needs can be challenging. Many common phrases can come off as insensitive or ignorant, especially when they diminish the unique experiences of these families. Understanding and educating oneself about autism leads to more supportive and meaningful interactions.