Having battled anorexia and bulimia for many years, I find myself hesitant to guide my stepdaughter, Lily, towards healthy eating habits. As she navigates her own journey of self-discovery, I often leave dietary discussions to her dad, fearing that my past experiences might inadvertently influence her.
At 5’7”, I was a size 14 in high school. The stress of transitioning to college led me to believe that controlling my food intake was my only option. I began skipping meals, and when I did eat, I often purged shortly afterward. I vividly remember bingeing on an entire box of cookies, only to force myself to throw up. Each night, going to bed with an empty stomach felt like a twisted victory.
Years later, I had a professional photo taken with my best friend in our matching graduation dresses. The stark contrast between her size 14 frame and my size 2, gaunt body was a reality I didn’t comprehend until much later, after extensive therapy. I looked skeletal, and I was harming myself.
After hitting a low point, my parents sought help from a therapist and nutritionist. I resisted fiercely, often opting to pamper myself with manicures instead of addressing my health. Eventually, I started attending appointments, standing on the scale backwards to avoid panicking over the necessary weight gain. I transitioned to drinking protein shakes as my body learned to accept food again and, with time, I began taking medication to help manage my mental health.
Since overcoming my eating disorders, my weight has fluctuated. I find that a size 10 or 12 feels most comfortable for my 5’9” frame, although I currently wear a size 14 due to lifestyle changes after having a child. I have a goal to return to a size 10 or 12, but I know I must proceed cautiously due to my past struggles with food and an addictive personality.
When Lily reaches for snacks that might not be the healthiest choice, I tend to let it slide. If she asks for more at dinner, I comply. Deep down, I know I should encourage healthier options, like suggesting carrot sticks instead of extra tacos. But I can’t bring myself to do it. My biggest fear is that she might develop the same unhealthy relationship with food that I did over a decade ago.
Lily is a lovely young girl with curves, and I worry about the teasing she faces. I want her to appreciate her body and never feel the need to harm it as I did mine. I hope that as I embark on my own journey to a healthier lifestyle, she will observe and perhaps follow suit.
We’ve made a good start by taking long walks together, and our new home will allow me to use the elliptical that had been gathering dust at our old place. Exercise can be a joyful release, and I hope to instill that in her. The challenges of parenting, especially when it comes to guiding our children away from the pitfalls we encountered, are truly significant.
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In summary, my journey through eating disorders shapes how I approach my stepdaughter’s relationship with food and body image. I strive to guide her toward healthy choices while being mindful of my own experiences. This parenting journey, with its challenges and lessons, is a path I navigate with care.
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