Two weeks ago, I found myself fleeing from my doctor’s office, gripped by an overwhelming wave of panic that was unlike anything I had ever experienced. As someone who has battled anxiety for years, I thought I understood what it meant to feel panic, but this was an entirely new realm. I couldn’t even muster the words to say goodbye to my husband and young child; all I could do was run.
I felt utterly lost and out of control, desperate for relief. I jumped into the car, and my husband and son joined me moments later. I managed to gasp, “Take me home now!“
Fortunately, my husband, a psychiatric nurse, recognized my panic symptoms. He quickly provided me with some Xanax once we were home, holding my hand and offering comfort as I tried to regain my composure. After a few minutes, the intense nausea subsided, and I felt a semblance of normalcy return—at least for the moment.
Having someone with such extensive psychiatric knowledge by my side was invaluable. He remained calm and supportive, listening without judgment as we tried to make sense of what was happening to me.
For nearly three years, I have been dealing with chronic Lyme disease and several other chronic conditions for almost two decades, which complicates identifying the source of my discomfort. The symptoms can feel like a relentless tidal wave of pain and distress. Typically, I attribute my suffering to Lyme disease, my most debilitating illness. However, this recent panic episode felt distinctly hormonal and unlike my usual Lyme symptoms.
Five years ago, I received a diagnosis of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) shortly after my son was born. Initially, birth control pills helped manage my symptoms for over three years, but they have since become ineffective. I had never experienced PMS before, and I was unaware that PMDD existed or how severely it could impact one’s life. According to the MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health, PMDD is a severe form of PMS that affects 3-8% of women during their reproductive years. While anyone can be affected, certain risk factors, such as age, family history, and pre-existing anxiety or mood disorders, can increase susceptibility. Symptoms often include anxiety, irritability, panic, confusion, trouble sleeping, headaches, nausea, hot flashes, dizziness, feelings of sadness, and social isolation.
Johns Hopkins Medicine describes PMDD as an abnormal reaction to the hormonal changes associated with the menstrual cycle, potentially leading to serotonin deficiencies that can affect mood and cause physical symptoms.
At this moment, PMDD has left me feeling incapacitated. My chronic conditions already limited my daily functioning, but now I struggle to complete even the simplest tasks. My family is affected, and I find it difficult to experience joy or leave the house due to the intense fear and persistent symptoms.
I feel trapped in the clutches of PMDD and long for freedom. I am hopeful that the treatments suggested by my doctors—medication, light therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, lifestyle changes, and herbal remedies—will provide relief soon. I will begin medication in a few days and pray for a swift response. If it fails to work, I may need to consider more drastic options, such as an oophorectomy or hysterectomy. The thought of this is daunting, as the feelings of fear, loneliness, and despair are overwhelming. I want to plan joyful outings with my family and be the loving mother my kids deserve, but my PMDD has put so many aspects of my life on hold.
The burden feels unbearable at times, especially when panic attacks disrupt me. They are terrifying and incapacitating, making it challenging to be fully present for my family, particularly when emergencies arise, like my son’s severe food allergies. I realize I must regain control of this situation. I have faith that I will, but I am uncertain how long it will take.
In fact, I had to take medication just to write this piece, as even thinking about my experiences triggers panic. Writing has always been my escape, my joy, my passion—but now, it feels as if PMDD is robbing me of that. My thoughts swirl like a murky ocean, and I want to break free before the next wave crashes over me.
In moments of panic, I feel like a swimmer struggling to stay afloat, desperate to avoid being consumed. When panic tightens its grip, I find it hard to breathe, speak, or function. I long to escape, to be anyone other than who I am right now.
Yet, my heart races, my head aches, and my mind races. I would trade anything for a mundane bad hair day instead of this unbearable struggle. I need to summon the strength to confront the beast within me and not succumb to its grasp. As Quint from Jaws once said, “You know that was the time I was most frightened. Waitin’ for my turn.” I am waiting for my turn to heal, and it frightens me deeply. Perhaps I need a bigger boat—one filled with hope.
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In summary, living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder can feel like an endless battle against panic and despair. It disrupts daily life and challenges one’s ability to function. Seeking treatment and support is crucial for managing symptoms and reclaiming joy.
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