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I Wish Others Would Stop Trying to ‘Mend’ My Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
by Anonymous
Updated: March 29, 2019
Originally Published: March 28, 2019
I thought I was ready for anything, but what happened caught me off guard. Just 30 minutes after my brother’s funeral, I found myself at his wake, heavily pregnant and utterly drained. The shock of losing a relatively young and healthy man still felt surreal. I hadn’t come to terms with it—still haven’t—when a family friend approached me with her usual platitudes and embrace.
Then came the conversation I should have predicted. “I was speaking with your father…” Instantly, I stiffened, listening with a stony expression as she informed me of his concerns for me and how much he wanted to talk. Relief washed over me as I was called away to address a minor detail with the food, sparing me the need to respond. But how could I?
Should I reveal that my dad had disowned me—for the fourth time in eight years—just two weeks before, simply because I pointed out his nine-month absence from my son’s life? Should I show her the countless emails where he labeled me an evil witch, threatened me with damnation, and insinuated that my mother knew I didn’t love her due to perceived slights?
How could I explain that he had subjected all his children to years of physical and emotional abuse behind closed doors, and that the brother he now mourned had endured the worst of it?
As I hurried off to manage whatever needed fixing, I felt a surge of anger. I’ve known this woman for years, and she genuinely believed she was helping bridge the family rift that my father had painted in a compelling way. Instead, she was being manipulated and unwittingly enabling a narcissist. It’s a boundary that should never be crossed—interfering in someone else’s family matters.
I understand the temptation; from the outside, it might look like a trivial issue is keeping loved ones apart. But comprehending the intricacies of a family’s dynamics is impossible from the outside—it takes a lifetime. No matter how well-meaning you are, unless you’re part of the family, stay out of it.
More than ten years ago, I made the difficult choice to distance myself from my father. This was not a decision I took lightly, but it became vital for my mental well-being. My father exhibits all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Rumor has it that he may have even been officially diagnosed, but he refuses to accept it (classic, right?).
If you’ve never dealt with someone who has NPD, you can’t fathom what it’s like to be parented by one. Even as a grandfather, my father remains incapable of prioritizing anyone but himself. He has an uncanny knack for twisting situations to fit his narrative, depicting himself as the victim while painting anyone who questions him (like me) as the villain. And he can be incredibly convincing to those who don’t know him well. I strive to respect our shared friendships by not airing our dirty laundry, but when I do mention my choice to sever ties, the responses are always the same.
“But he’s your dad…” Yes, but being related by blood doesn’t erase the years of emotional abuse. “He never recovered from your mother’s passing.” True, but I manage without resorting to verbal abuse. “I fear he might harm himself.” Ah, his ultimate trump card! He has threatened suicide for as long as I can remember. It’s a tactic he uses to garner attention, and it works.
The challenge with someone who has NPD is their facade of charm. When I had friends over, my father was the fun, delightful dad. But behind closed doors, the screaming and violence would erupt. Perhaps I should have been more open about my home life, but my goal now isn’t to expose him; it’s to be left alone regarding him. That’s why I feel such frustration when people come to “help heal” our relationship. Trust me, that bridge is long burned.
So why is it so challenging to prevent others from intervening? Unless you’re deeply involved with a family and understand the nuances, why would you insert yourself? Not every family has a member with NPD, but all families have their baggage. If someone tries to pull you into their drama, you can listen politely, but don’t get involved. You never know what lies behind closed doors.
If you are looking for more information on navigating family dynamics or considering options for starting a family, check out this article on fertility journeys. They also provide excellent resources for home insemination, like this baby maker kit. For those exploring fertility treatments, UCSF has great information on IVF that you might find helpful.
In summary, please refrain from trying to mend family issues unless you truly understand the complexities involved. It’s crucial to respect boundaries and remember that each family has its own unique struggles.
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