The day of high school orientation was a big deal for my oldest son, Jack, and his friend, Alex, who came over for a sleepover. I decided to tag along with them during a seminar and tour of their new, sprawling high school. Since I didn’t know Alex very well—he seemed a bit shy—I didn’t bombard him with questions.
As we strolled back to the car, we passed a group of kids chatting. One of them stopped mid-sentence to greet Alex by name, and I was taken aback when Alex responded with a dirty look, a strange noise, and a mocking laugh. The boy who had said hello looked embarrassed and unsure of how to react, and honestly, I felt the same way.
Although Alex wasn’t my child, he was under my supervision, which made me feel responsible for addressing his behavior. I was tempted to call him out right then and there but realized that publicly shaming him wasn’t the solution. Instead, I greeted the boy who had been kind and asked how he was doing, hoping to alleviate the tension.
Once we got into the car, Jack immediately said, “Mom, just don’t say anything,” anticipating my reaction before I even spoke. I won’t lie; it was tough to hold back my frustration in the face of such blatant unkindness. I worried that if Alex acted this way in front of an adult, how would he behave when no one was watching? The thought made me uneasy, and I questioned whether I wanted Jack hanging out with him.
“What was that all about?” I asked Alex. “That guy made an effort to say hello to you, and you responded by being rude. How would you feel if someone did that to you?”
He just blinked at me, silent. “Being a teenager is challenging enough. You don’t have to be best friends, but a simple ‘hello’ would have sufficed,” I advised.
“Yeah, I guess,” he muttered. “I just don’t know him. We just met in the group, and now he thinks we’re friends.”
“Oh, how terrible to make a new friend,” I replied sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood.
“Okay, Mom,” Jack chimed in, a hint of annoyance in his voice. It was clear he was uncomfortable with the situation and my attempts to address it.
Despite the awkwardness, I hoped that by confronting Alex’s behavior instead of ignoring it, he would reflect on it and possibly change in the future. It’s tough navigating the complexities of parenting, especially when it comes to correcting others’ children. It’s easy to want to intervene when you see someone being unkind.
But witnessing a child being a jerk is a valid reason to step in and address the behavior constructively. If I see a kid treating others poorly, I’m not going to stay silent. If my own child were acting like that, I’d hope someone would step up to make them aware of their actions and the impact they have on others’ feelings.
Often, bad behavior goes unchecked due to busy schedules or a reluctance to interfere. This leaves teachers and parents to manage the fallout alone, which isn’t fair. If we all took a moment to address unkindness, we could foster a more empathetic and accountable environment.
So, if you notice someone being hurtful, don’t hesitate to speak up. There’s no reason to let someone be belittled without addressing the bully. It’s possible to respond with kindness while also being direct.
Maybe I didn’t make a lasting impression on Alex that day, but since then, he hasn’t acted that way around me. And Jack, who knew exactly what I was going to say before I said it, reinforces the idea that I’m setting a good example for him.
That doesn’t mean my three kids are perfect. Every child, regardless of how “good” they are, has moments of less-than-great behavior, especially when they think no one is watching. They’re human, and mistakes are part of growing up.
But if we don’t gently guide them—maybe just whispering, “Hey, you’re a good kid; you can do better”—they might continue down a path of unkindness. We need to cultivate a supportive community that helps children learn empathy and kindness, creating a safer environment for their development.
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In summary, addressing unkind behavior among teens is crucial for fostering empathy and accountability. By stepping in constructively, we can support not just our children but all kids in their journey toward becoming better individuals.
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