Conversations about race, including the nuances of racial differences and the challenges faced by people of color, can be quite challenging. Personally, I don’t typically initiate discussions on race, but I won’t shy away from them if they arise. It’s often noted that if a person of color refrains from discussing race with their white friends, it may indicate a lack of comfort in that friendship—and I can attest to this being true.
As uncomfortable as it might be, genuine friendships, especially those that cross racial divides, should involve discussions about race. True friends are the ones with whom you can be completely honest. For me, as a woman of color, sharing my experiences—both past and present—opens a door for my white friends to understand my life better. For instance, discussing the microaggressions I faced growing up can be a catalyst for meaningful dialogue. If I don’t share my truths, it limits the opportunity for them to learn about my experiences and perhaps reflect on their own.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to help someone see their behavior in a new light. Our society often normalizes whiteness, so there may be instances where white individuals aren’t aware of their harmful actions simply because no one has told them, “Hey, that’s not okay.” However, for honest conversations to happen, there needs to be a foundation of trust and comfort in the friendship.
Just like any relationship, I require a certain level of comfort before I engage in candid discussions about race. Without this closeness, I fear my words could be misconstrued and used against me. I’ve seen white women weaponize their fragility when confronted with uncomfortable truths. It takes time to cultivate a space where I feel safe enough to lower my defenses and share my more challenging experiences.
Comfort is essential not only for serious topics but also for everyday banter. I have a sarcastic side and love to tease my close friends. For instance, when my best friend recently tweeted about wanting to see a concert, I jokingly said it was the “whitest thing” she could say. I know she can handle it, but I wouldn’t make such a comment to someone I didn’t know well.
Even when discussing race—a topic that can be heavy—being able to joke about our differences shows a strong level of comfort. If we can poke fun at each other, it suggests that we can tackle tougher conversations without fear of miscommunication. For example, if I were to say something like, “White people often [insert issue here],” my true friends wouldn’t take offense. They understand I’m not speaking about them personally; often, they might even agree with the sentiment, leading to a constructive dialogue.
That said, I do have my limits. While I’m open to discussing race, it can be exhausting. I’ve had friends approach me as if I’m their personal “Dear Abby,” seeking advice on how to deal with their racist relatives. If our conversations revolve solely around racial issues, it can feel less like a friendship and more like a one-sided exchange. I’m not a spokesperson for all Black people, and I want to be valued for more than just that aspect of my identity.
I recognize that it’s easier for some to turn to their Black friends for insights on race. However, it’s crucial to consider the weight that comes with being a person of color. Constantly needing to navigate these discussions can be overwhelming. Occasional questions are fine, but frequent inquiries become burdensome.
Having the ability to discuss race with my white friends is a privilege I don’t take lightly. I see these conversations as opportunities for mutual learning and growth, even if it’s often more tiring for me. For those white friends who have Black friends, it’s essential to engage on the subject of race. If you regard someone as a good friend yet haven’t had an honest conversation about race, it’s worth examining why that is. A true friendship should allow space for openness about life experiences. If your friend seems hesitant to discuss their challenges, give them space to process their feelings; they may have faced negative experiences in the past that make them cautious about diving back into such conversations.
Race is undeniably a challenging topic, but it’s a necessary one, especially among friends.
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