A few weeks ago, my daughter went to the store with her other mom and came back with the usual haul—fruit, cereal, and toilet paper. But among those staples was a new bathing suit. It might not be warm enough yet for swimming where we live, but the store was already stocked up for summer with all sorts of swim gear. The styles were adorable, the quality was impressive, and the prices were unbeatable. But no bathing suit could erase the worry I feel every summer when we visit public pools or local beaches.
My daughter is transgender, and the bathing suit she picked out forced me to engage in a difficult conversation about what it means to wear that suit all summer long. The suit itself wasn’t the issue; it was society that pushed me into this discussion.
Understanding Gender Identity
Let me clarify: when babies are born, they are assigned a gender based on their biological sex. A child with a penis is labeled male, while a child with a vagina is labeled female. If a child is born with ambiguous genitalia, they may be classified as intersex. Ultimately, gender identity is something a child expresses when they are ready. Gender is distinctly different from biological sex. When someone’s gender aligns with their assigned sex at birth, they are termed cisgender. On the other hand, when it doesn’t, they are considered transgender. My daughter was assigned male at birth, but from the age of 18 months, she made it clear she identifies as a girl. We love her unconditionally and have always supported her in living authentically.
The Dilemma of Clothing Choices
However, when she came home with her one-piece bathing suit, my heart sank. She was thrilled, and I knew I was about to dampen her excitement. At almost six, she’s developed a sense of awareness about being guided away from what she desires. In previous summers, we had gently nudged her toward bathing suits that included skirts or shorts to help conceal her penis, especially when wet. This wasn’t about shaming her, but rather my own shame in telling her to be true to herself while simultaneously presenting conditions or white lies.
I would never advise my daughters to avoid certain clothing to sidestep unwanted attention; clothing does not cause harm—people do. Yet I find myself shielding one daughter from emotional pain and potential risks by discouraging her from wearing suits that might draw attention to her body. Her body is perfect, healthy, and beautiful. She deserves to wear age-appropriate clothing, irrespective of gender labels.
The Societal Problem
The problem lies not with my daughter or her body but with society itself. The belief that gender and sex are interchangeable, the people who reject the legitimacy of transgender identities, and those who claim parents are either allowing or forcing their children to be transgender—all of this perpetuates a harmful narrative. And those who judge and assert their opinions on transgender issues, disregarding my daughter’s existence and worth, contribute to the problem.
In truth, my daughter should be able to wear any bathing suit she desires. The challenge arises from the anticipation of how others may react—ranging from careless insensitivity to outright hostility—leading to feelings of shame and fear that no one should experience when donning any clothing.
A Difficult Conversation
When my daughter displayed her new bathing suit, I exchanged a glance with her other mom that conveyed a mix of exasperation and understanding. She quickly explained to our daughter that people with penises usually don’t wear tight-fitting suits. It’s better to have layers for protection, and we joked about avoiding wardrobe malfunctions, reinforcing the need for proper coverage to safeguard our skin from the sun and maintain modesty.
All of my kids shared a laugh about the potential for embarrassing mishaps, and my son even chimed in about wearing shorts for the same reasons. We didn’t outright tell her she couldn’t wear the suit, but she sensed my hesitation. I could see her excitement diminish as she glanced down at herself in the new outfit, and when she suggested wearing the suit only “with my family,” it hit home. She understood the implications of her choice.
It broke my heart to realize that something as innocent as picking out a bathing suit had turned into a conversation about protecting her self-esteem. We suggested that her two-piece suits, paired with a rash guard, might be more practical for summer camp, reminding her how cumbersome a wet one-piece could be. My mind wandered to the possibility of her getting caught in a stall, half-dressed, and facing unkind words that could crush her spirit.
Protecting Innocence
Right now, she’s blissfully unaware of the potential negativity in the world, and I hope it stays that way for as long as possible. But the reality is, because some people can be cruel, I need to shield her from hurtful comments or misgendering from strangers at the pool. She’s proud of who she is and exudes joy, but she also recognizes that being transgender makes her unique. I want her to understand that being different is beautiful, and I aim to instill this understanding deep within her, knowing there will come a day when she faces her first transphobic comment. One negative remark can overshadow ten positive affirmations, and I want her to always remember the unconditional love surrounding her.
Moving Forward
After that conversation, my heart still ached, but we had devised a plan, and she seemed to move on. As she matures and gains a better grasp of her choices and societal perceptions, she’ll be able to make her own clothing decisions. For now, while I can still protect her, I’ll choose her outfits with care. But let me be clear: my daughter shouldn’t have to change. Society needs to evolve. My daughter is not the issue, nor is her bathing suit. It’s imperative for people to broaden their understanding of gender and gender expression, to look beyond conventional norms, and to strive for acceptance. Self-reflection is essential because there’s so much beauty waiting to be embraced.
Conclusion
In summary, society forces me to navigate challenging conversations about my transgender daughter’s clothing choices, reflecting the broader issues of acceptance and understanding surrounding gender identity. Despite the difficulties, my daughter’s joy and authenticity remain at the heart of our journey, reminding us all that different is beautiful.
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