Recently, a meme surfaced on Instagram that declared, “If your partner is homophobic, you’re not an ally.” The flood of comments that followed included a lot of defensive remarks like, “My partner’s views don’t define me.” I can only imagine the hair flipping that accompanied such indignation.
Unpacking the Mindset
Let’s unpack this troubling mindset. By proclaiming their partner’s bigotry as merely an opinion, these commenters inadvertently outed them as bigots. It’s crucial to understand that homophobia is not just an “opinion” or a harmless “view.” It’s bigotry at its core. Believing that an entire group of people is undeserving of basic human rights or viewing them as sinful or abnormal is unequivocally bigotry. If you share your life—cooking meals, raising kids, or sharing a bed—with someone who holds such views and remain silent about it, you’re complicit.
Some of you may not have realized that the company you keep reflects on you, and it shows.
The Struggle
I understand the struggle. You may have married young, thinking your partner was progressive because he got along with your openly gay friends. But when he refused to watch shows like “Will & Grace” because a character was “too much,” you might have started to question his openness.
I once found myself in a similar situation, married to a man who, while not overtly hateful, was uncomfortable with anything related to queer issues. I always discussed LGBTQ topics openly around our kids and friends, while he would visibly squirm.
Here’s the kicker: I identify as gay. For years, I tried to convince myself I was bisexual to maintain the family unit. I thought, if my husband can accept my bisexuality, then I can stay. I tested the waters by revealing my bisexuality, but his discomfort became apparent, and I needed to feel part of the LGBTQ community. So, I invited him to LGBTQ events, and while he attended some, it was clear he was reluctant.
Realizations and Regrets
Ultimately, I realized I couldn’t keep pretending to be happy in a life that wasn’t mine. I should have asked him directly about his views on gay rights. But that question felt too dangerous; I feared what his answer might mean for our family.
Yet, it’s not just an opinion. It’s a harmful belief system, and it’s fundamentally wrong. After coming out, my ex made it clear he thought being gay was wrong and expressed concerns over our daughters being exposed to my “lifestyle.”
I regret not confronting this sooner. I should have recognized that I would never be able to stay with someone who holds such views. I need to protect my children from his bigotry.
Consider the Consequences
So, for those of you who dismiss your partner’s views as separate from your own, consider how you would feel if your child came out to you. Could you be with someone who would reject their own child rather than accept them?
I’m not suggesting everyone should leave their partners immediately, but it’s essential to have honest discussions. Call them out on their homophobic beliefs. What seems like a benign opinion can fester, ultimately causing harm.
Chances are, someone you love is part of the LGBTQ community. You may one day face a choice between your partner’s outdated views and someone else’s right to live authentically. It’s a choice no one should have to make, but bigotry forces us into these situations.
So, confront your partners. Either get them to evolve or remove them from your life. Otherwise, you can’t call yourself an ally.
Further Resources
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Summary
This article tackles the issue of being in a relationship with someone who holds bigoted views, particularly regarding LGBTQ rights. It emphasizes that claiming to be an ally while remaining silent about a partner’s bigotry is contradictory. The author shares personal experiences of navigating a relationship marked by discomfort around queer topics and stresses the importance of confronting such beliefs to truly support the LGBTQ community.
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