“Give Grandma a hug!”
“Uncle Sam brought you a gift; go hug him!”
“Don’t forget to give me a kiss goodnight!”
These are common phrases many of us heard in childhood or even uttered to our own kids. But have you ever stopped to wonder why? Just as adults deserve the right to choose who touches them, children should have that same autonomy. We often refer to kids as individuals, yet we frequently disregard their bodily autonomy. I refuse to compel my child to express physical affection or to guilt him into it, even with myself. Why? Because I honor his individuality.
My own upbringing involved a mother who felt entitled to my affection simply because she was my parent. Whether it was a hug, a kiss, or just a casual arm around my shoulders, it was as if my physical affection was a requirement. Even now, as an adult, she continues to act in a way that makes me uncomfortable. While it’s easier to assert my boundaries now, I still grapple with her expectation of entitlement over my personal space.
This discomfort fueled my resolve not to impose similar expectations on my son. Sure, I carried him in my body, but once he entered the world, his body became his own. The notion of, “I gave you life, so you owe me a hug,” is deeply troubling. Affection is not a currency for respect; it should be a mutual expression that is freely given, not coerced.
As a mother, I do cherish those moments when he wraps his little arms around me. There’s something incredibly soothing about receiving affection from our kids—a quick hug or a kiss on the cheek can be so fulfilling. But in those moments, I remind myself that my desire for affection does not outweigh his right to decline. Often, if I ask for a hug, he willingly gives one. But if he declines, I respect his choice. I can express my love and appreciation without forcing unwanted physical contact.
I’ve made it clear to my son that showing physical affection is entirely his decision. I’m naturally affectionate, especially with him. I always ask if he’s comfortable sharing a hug, and if he says no, I let it go. More often than not, he ends up asking for hugs on his own, which is a sign that he feels secure in his body and knows I respect his autonomy.
My upbringing involved a different mindset regarding physical affection; it was often given or expected without question. If you were thanking Grandma, a hug was part of the package. I never understood why a simple “thank you” wasn’t enough—why there had to be a hug attached. So when I became a parent, I vowed never to force my son into those situations. If he wants to hug Grandma to show gratitude, great! But I’ll never make that a requirement. He knows how to express affection; I will never try to guilt him into it.
My son is more reserved than I was at his age. While I was outgoing and quick to engage with others, he takes his time, observing and gauging comfort levels. He’s surprisingly astute for his age, picking up on cues and deciding when he feels comfortable with someone. Recently, we spent time with some friends of mine whom he had met a few times. Initially, he wouldn’t even make eye contact. However, after a few hours and once he felt at ease, he spontaneously held my friend’s hand and offered hugs. I never prompted him; he acted on his own because he trusted her.
In contrast to my upbringing, I believe that physical affection should be earned. You don’t automatically get a hug just for being nice—neither does my child. If someone gifts a toy, a simple thank you suffices. Affection should not be an obligatory response, regardless of who you are—be it Grandma, Uncle, or family friend. Why is this flawed mindset so persistent?
The same principle applies to farewells. When friends visit, I encourage my son to acknowledge their departure, whether through a wave or a simple goodbye. However, I never dictate, “Hug so-and-so goodbye.” Sometimes he chooses to hug, other times he doesn’t want to, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Forcing physical affection lacks authenticity and fairness. How can we teach children about consent and their right to bodily autonomy while simultaneously pressuring them to show affection to those they may not want to? It creates confusion and contradicts the very lessons we aim to instill. Consistency is key in helping them grasp concepts like consent and boundaries. They are not obligated to hug their uncle or kiss Grandma goodbye—end of story.
In summary, I firmly believe in respecting my child’s right to choose when and how to show affection. It’s crucial to foster an environment where he feels comfortable in his own body and understands that physical affection is a choice, not an obligation. For more insights on parenting and autonomy, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
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