Long before my friend, Sarah, was practicing yoga in her backyard, I was deep into my diet with Weight Watchers. I relished the idea of enjoying treats while counting my points—like a secret agent on a mission to find guilt-free snacks. But one faithful day, my mission backfired spectacularly. And I mean, there was fire—literally.
It was a beautiful summer Friday, and I was set to leave my office in the city by 1 p.m. Having adhered to my diet all week, I thought I’d swing by the drugstore for some reconnaissance in the candy section. That’s when I spotted a small bag of Jelly Belly Sugar-Free Sours. The calories? Only 200 for the whole bag, translating to about 3 or 4 Weight Watchers points. “Perfect!” I thought, “both sweet and sour.”
Arriving at the office, I settled in and promptly devoured the entire bag of jelly beans. (Yes, it was only 9:30 a.m.—don’t judge.) They were delicious, and I felt like I was winning at life. A little later, I grabbed the empty bag to log it into my account, only to discover a tiny warning in red on the back.
“WARNING: CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE STOMACH DISCOMFORT AND/OR LAXATIVE EFFECT. INDIVIDUAL TOLERANCE WILL VARY; WE SUGGEST STARTING WITH 8 BEANS OR LESS.”
Excuse me? Who eats just 8 jelly beans? I mean, seriously, turn to the person next to you and ask if they’ve ever had that little. I had downed 70 jelly beans—yes, 70! About ten times their recommended serving.
I should’ve paid more attention to the packaging, but I never figured a bag of candy would come with such a dire warning. Honestly, they should have labeled it “ass bullets” with a disclaimer saying, “Prepare your intestines for a quick evacuation.” I did some quick research and found countless horror stories from people who had made the same mistake with sugar alcohol—the ingredient that wreaks havoc on the digestive system. What had I done?
It was 11 a.m., and I had a train to catch at 1:30 p.m. The thought of using the restroom at work was unbearable. I briefly considered inducing a vomit session to avoid the impending disaster, but my love for food won out. I figured if I could handle Taco Bell, surely sugar-free jelly beans would be manageable.
By 1 p.m., I felt fine, and I left the office, hopeful. On the train, I texted my husband, Jake, asking him to pick me up a short distance from home. But then it happened—the first gurgle in my stomach. My plan to remain calm and listen to music began to unravel as my stomach started cramping. With 40 minutes left on the train ride, it was time to elevate my bowel situation to CODE BROWN.
Minutes ticked by, and it felt like an airplane toilet was flushing inside me. The pressure built up, and I was clenching my cheeks tighter than was humanly possible. All I could think was, “I am going to explode on this train!”
When we finally pulled into the station, I sprinted down the stairs to see Jake revving the engine of our vehicle like we’d just robbed a bank. There was no time to waste; I leapt into the car, and we sped home.
Once inside, I made it just in the nick of time. Let’s just say I released a lot—things I probably hadn’t expelled since childhood. I leaned against the cool bathroom wall, thanking whatever higher power had spared me from disaster on the train. “Thank you for my strong sphincter!” I muttered.
Since that day, I always check for warning labels on treats. I even recommend these jelly beans to friends preparing for colonoscopies instead of that dreadful cleansing drink—they’re way more palatable and will surely leave you feeling squeaky clean. If you’re curious about home insemination options, you can explore more about it at Cryobaby’s home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo and BabyMaker’s at-home insemination kit.
In summary, always read the labels on food, especially if it’s sugar-free. You may save yourself from an embarrassing situation that could otherwise leave you feeling like you’ve had a near-miss with divine intervention.
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