I often spotted them strolling past the playground, but never actually joining in. These moms, with their upper elementary or middle school-aged kids, seemed blissfully carefree. They’d chat animatedly with their friends, while their children dashed ahead or lagged behind, completely self-sufficient. No strollers in sight, no little hands to hold, and certainly no rummaging through diaper bags for snacks or tissues. Just a chic tote here and there, perhaps with a baguette peeking out. I called them Confident Moms of Older Kids (CMOKs), and I couldn’t stand them.
When I got close enough, I could overhear them engaging in real conversations with their kids. No more negotiating tantrums or enduring tedious exchanges filled with “uh-huhs” like I was stuck in. These CMOKs were discussing Broadway shows or school projects their kids were managing without parental assistance. They were even talking about current events. Meanwhile, I was half-heartedly pushing a swing and trying to navigate preschool drama. It made me want to squeeze my eyes out in frustration. Occasionally, I’d catch the gaze of a CMOK and think, “Good for you, lady. Your kids are growing up. Well done.” Can you hear my slow, sarcastic applause? Clap. Clap. Clap.
Oh, how I envied them! They were simply mothers who had embarked on their parenting journey long before I did, and now they had reached a destination I desperately craved—a place where bathroom stalls were no longer shared, where kids could get their own breakfast, and where tantrums were a distant memory. A sanctuary where affirmations like “I’m still me! I’m still a person!” were no longer necessary.
It’s easy to forget yourself when you’re deep in the trenches of motherhood. But guess what? You are still you! Still a person!
Fast forward to today, I’m nearing 50—not pushing strollers anymore. My children are now 9 and 12, and somehow I’ve transformed into the very CMOK I once despised. If I see you, Mom of Small Children (MOSC), changing a diaper in a public restroom, I’ll probably look the other way—it’s just gross! If I spot you and your snotty toddler in a café, I’ll choose a seat as far away from you as possible. It’s a strange shift from the usual “There but for the grace of God go I” feeling, because I’ve been in your shoes.
Maybe you’re absolutely loving your life with little ones! You might even catch a glimpse of me out in the neighborhood, enjoying some rare solitude as my kids hang out with friends (CMOKs don’t use the phrase “playdate” anymore). Maybe you adore slicing grapes in half and changing diapers. Perhaps you see me and think I must be lonely while my kids are off having fun. And maybe I am!
But, oh, do I relish sending my 12-year-old to the store. I love not needing to hire a babysitter whenever my husband and I want a quick dinner together. I cherish those peaceful weekend afternoons where I can read a book for an hour, all by myself. I’m thrilled to never have to visit another playground just to fill time. I enjoy hearing about my kids’ adventures in the world while sharing my own stories with them.
For some moms, fully embracing their current parenting stage is a coping strategy. It works for many, but it didn’t quite resonate with me back on the playground. It’s okay to acknowledge that I’m better suited for this phase of motherhood than I was for the earlier one. Perhaps that’s why CMOKs irked me so much—they possessed something I deeply desired. And it wasn’t just the baguette.
Now, I have plenty of CMOK friends. Occasionally, one might catch the scent of a baby and say something like, “I wish we could go back.” I’ll respond, “No, you don’t,” and she’ll agree, “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t.” That’s the laughter you hear as we stroll past the playground.
In summary, I’ve journeyed from envying confident moms of older kids to becoming one myself. I appreciate the freedom and independence that comes with having older children, even as I acknowledge the joys and challenges of earlier parenting stages. For those navigating the world of motherhood, remember that it’s okay to embrace where you are now.
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