I Grew Up in Purity Culture, and I Refuse to Raise My Kids That Way

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I was raised in Nashville, Tennessee, a city that was at the epicenter of the True Love Waits movement during the ’90s. The concept of purity culture was reaching its peak, and I found myself entrenched in conservative churches and Christian schools. My daily life revolved around a religious framework, with little exposure to perspectives outside of this worldview. I was the intended demographic, and I wholeheartedly embraced the sexist and patriarchal messages that came with it.

During my adolescence, we were encouraged to sign abstinence pledges, and many wore purity rings. Some fathers and daughters even participated in “purity balls,” where, dressed in their Sunday best, little girls vowed to their dads to remain “pure” until marriage. A troubling aspect of this movement was its blatant exclusion and condemnation of the LGBTQ community. This exclusion eventually led me to reevaluate how purity culture had shaped my beliefs and feelings.

While I can’t change the past, I can ensure that my children don’t experience the same restrictions and biases.

In my late 20s, my father came out to me as gay. Truthfully, I had suspected it for years. By then, I was starting to distance myself from conservative church culture and believed I had dismantled my preconceived notions about sexuality and sin. However, when my father officially came out, my immediate reaction was fear for his eternal fate. It made me realize that I still had a lot of unlearning to do regarding the biases instilled in me by purity culture. If I wanted to fully accept and love my father in this new chapter of his life, I had to confront these prejudices head-on.

Reflecting on My Experiences with Purity Culture

Reflecting on my experiences with purity culture, I have drawn several conclusions:

1. Unattainable Standards: Purity culture set impossible standards for sexual purity, equating thoughts with actions. Any sexual thought was deemed sinful, and no amount of self-discipline could lead to true purity unless I could also control my thoughts. Sexuality was only acceptable within marriage.
2. Identity Tied to Virginity: I received praise for my commitment to abstaining until marriage, and this became a core part of my identity. I even traveled with organizations promoting sexual abstinence, believing I was fulfilling a divine purpose. However, when I finally had sex on my wedding night, I felt a profound sense of loss. I had been the proud virgin for so long that I struggled with my new identity. Why did something that was supposed to be joyous feel like a burden?
3. Body Image Struggles: As a plus-sized woman, I found the teachings of purity culture confusing. On one hand, I was told my body was a gift designed for my future husband; on the other, society dictated that my size rendered me undesirable. This conflicting messaging left me with a negative body image that took years to address.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: Purity culture promised that abstaining from sex would lead to a blissful marriage and an incredible sex life. Unfortunately, reality didn’t match these expectations. Our wedding night was lovely, but it lacked the magic that had been promised. Shame around sex caused many of my peers to struggle with intimacy, despite our intentions.
5. Harmful Teachings: I believe those who propagated the principles of purity culture did so with good intentions. However, that doesn’t negate the damage caused. The attachment of shame to sexuality has affected countless individuals. I can only imagine the pain inflicted upon LGBTQ youth or those who had experienced sexual abuse.
6. A New Approach for My Children: While I can’t erase the impact of purity culture on my life, I am determined to break the cycle for my children. I’m already engaging them in age-appropriate discussions about bodies and sexuality. I want them to understand that their bodies are their own. When they choose to explore their sexuality, I aim to be a source of education, support, and guidance. I hope they will wait until they are older, but I refuse to instill guilt or shame about natural human desires.

As I reflect on my past, I feel a sense of loss for the experiences my husband and I missed out on due to purity culture. We suppressed our feelings, following a set of rules that ultimately harmed us. I wonder how our first intimate moment might have been if we hadn’t prioritized virginity over genuine connection.

In conclusion, the cost of adhering to purity culture was far too high. My aim now is to foster an environment for my children that embraces love, acceptance, and healthy discussions about sexuality, in stark contrast to the damaging teachings I once followed.

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