In my early days of parenting, particularly during my first pregnancy, I envisioned a future where my children would be attentive listeners, always considering my insights. I imagined that by using a calm, nurturing tone, I could effectively prevent any potential outbursts and guide them effortlessly through adolescence. I believed my carefully crafted words would compel them to heed my advice. Fast forward to reality: I have learned that this dream was just that—a dream.
My two kids, like all young individuals, possess their own unique thoughts, preferences, and desires. Regardless of how wise they perceive me to be, their yearning for independence often leads them to resist my suggestions. The more I assert my opinions, the more they push back.
Two Words Can Open Up a Conversation
Recently, I’ve shifted my approach to parenting by minimizing direct instructions and advice. Instead, I initiate discussions with the phrase, “I wonder…” This concept was inspired by an enlightening article by clinical social worker Jason B. Hobbs, who encourages parents to engage their children through this simple yet effective phrase.
Hobbs emphasizes that decision-making is a skill that requires practice. When parents dictate every choice, they inadvertently hinder their children’s ability to develop this essential skill. By starting conversations with “I wonder,” we encourage them to think critically and draw their own conclusions.
As parents, it’s natural to want to lead our children, but sometimes our interference can actually obstruct their learning process. Research has shown that children, particularly younger ones, benefit from minimal adult intervention. For instance, a study involving preschoolers revealed that those allowed to explore a complex toy independently discovered far more than those who were given step-by-step instructions. Excessive guidance can limit a child’s capacity to learn and innovate.
By taking over their play or making significant decisions without their input, we risk conveying a lack of faith in their abilities. We rush to share our wisdom without allowing them the opportunity to explore their own thoughts. This can lead them to feel undervalued or incapable of making sound choices.
Using “I wonder…” communicates to our kids that their opinions matter and that we trust their judgment.
Imagine contemplating a vehicle purchase and someone abruptly insists, “You should definitely choose the van! It’s the more practical option!” This individual fails to consider your previous research and the specific factors that influence your decision. Their unsolicited advice not only disregards your preferences but also assumes they know what’s best for you.
This dynamic can mirror how we interact with our children. They may perceive our decisions as a lack of confidence in their capabilities.
Applying the “I Wonder…” Technique
Currently, I am applying the “I wonder…” technique with my teenage son as he navigates the decision of which high school to attend next year. His zoned school boasts a solid reputation, including a football team and a robust music program, while a nearby college-prep school holds the title of the top-ranked school in the state. This choice school offers an intense academic environment but lacks some traditional high school features.
While some parents might decide for their children without discussion, I am committed to allowing my son to make his own choice if accepted. I trust him to weigh the pros and cons. Phrasing my questions as “I wonder how you feel about the differences in class size between the two schools?” prompts him to think critically and articulate his thoughts, which reassures me of his analytical abilities.
Through this approach, I am not imposing my views but rather facilitating a dialogue that allows him to explore the implications of each option. As he considers his future in engineering, he recognizes the importance of this decision while also contemplating the balance of academics and personal well-being, especially in light of his ADHD.
It’s essential to empower our children to take charge of their own paths, fostering an internal locus of control rather than an external one. Hobbs highlights the importance of helping children understand that their choices impact their lives. Many kids today express anxiety stemming from a perceived lack of control over their circumstances, a trend that correlates with the rise of overprotective parenting styles.
I want to nurture my son’s capacity for independent thinking and decision-making. If I felt he was not giving this matter the seriousness it deserves, I might be tempted to exert more influence. However, by asking “I wonder…” questions, I gain insight into his reasoning, which builds my trust in his decision-making process.
Mistakes are an unavoidable aspect of growth, and they present vital learning opportunities. Our children will undoubtedly face challenges, but with the right guidance, they can develop the confidence necessary to navigate their own futures.
For further insights on navigating parenting and decision-making, check out this blog post, and for a deep dive into related fertility topics, visit Medical News Today. If you’re seeking reliable resources for home insemination kits, consider Cryobaby, an authority in this field.
Conclusion
In conclusion, using the phrase “I wonder…” can foster an environment of trust, encouraging teens to think independently and make informed choices about their lives. By stepping back and inviting dialogue, we signal our confidence in their abilities, preparing them for the complexities of adulthood.
Leave a Reply