My former husband and I ended our marriage on good terms. Throughout the process, we were there for one another as supportive friends. Before he left our shared home, we met for lunch on a dreary November day to sort out the details of our divorce. I was overwhelmed with emotion, tears streaming down my face. Instead of discussing custody arrangements, he offered me a tissue and suggested, “Let’s save this conversation for another time.”
We shared our sadness and reassured each other that we were making the best decision for our family—because deep down, we both understood that we were. True friends confront tough situations instead of masking them with superficial solutions. They strive to communicate honestly, even when it’s difficult.
My ex is not a terrible person. Our relationship was never characterized by toxicity or abuse, but there are moments when he disrespects me in front of our children, and I refuse to accept that.
Recently, I had a confrontation with him (thankfully, not in front of the kids). It seemed he needed a reminder of how I expect to be treated as the mother of his children. He arrived to pick up the kids, and I was dressed nicely. He remarked, “What’s with the outfit and those high heels?” The comment was irritating enough on its own, but his tone made it even worse. And yes, the children were present and heard everything.
I don’t expect him to comment on my appearance (nor would I welcome it), but I do expect him to refrain from making unkind remarks. We are teaching our kids the importance of kindness, and as their father, he should set a positive example. It’s much easier to keep negative thoughts to oneself than to voice unnecessary and hurtful opinions.
After our separation, I went through a period where I didn’t speak up about such issues. I’ve witnessed friends endure far worse after their marriages ended, and I felt grateful for my situation. However, the saying “You teach people how to treat you” rings true. By letting his rude comments slide a few times, I inadvertently set a bad precedent.
I convinced myself that it wasn’t a significant issue and that I shouldn’t complain. I believed it was just his way of coping with our separation. I stayed silent to maintain harmony for the kids, who had already faced so much. Plus, I was simply exhausted and didn’t want to engage in conflict.
That version of me has left the building. I’m back and ready to assert myself. After all, my children are observing how I handle disrespect.
His comments about my clothing choices, questioning changes I’ve made around the house, and laughing when the kids disrespect me are more than enough reason for me to speak up.
I don’t care if we generally maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship; that should be the bare minimum. It certainly doesn’t give him the right to treat me poorly now that we’re divorced. Just because we get along most of the time and he is a decent father does not mean he can treat me like a doormat. If he disrespects me in front of our children, he isn’t being a great father. What he does for them when I’m not around doesn’t make up for belittling their mother.
I consistently show him respect in front of our kids. There are times I may not agree with him or may not like his actions—those discussions require privacy. I suppress my eye rolls and refrain from pointing fingers because I know it’s in the best interest of our children. He should extend the same courtesy to me.
If you’re facing a situation with an ex who doesn’t show you respect, speak up. Don’t excuse their behavior just because your circumstances could be worse or you fear that addressing it will lead to conflict.
Being a good parent involves treating others, including ex-partners, with dignity. You don’t need to reciprocate disrespect; instead, you can approach conversations calmly and rationally. Just don’t hesitate to remind your ex that their words and actions matter. If they can’t behave respectfully toward you, they should at least do it for the kids. And if they can’t manage that, then you should handle communication via phone or text. You are not obligated to endure disrespect or any inappropriate behavior simply because you share parenting responsibilities.
I will not accept any form of disrespect. I don’t care about my ex’s opinions on how I dress or whether I am too strict with our children.
What matters most is how my children perceive their father. I want them to see how I stand up for myself when someone treats me poorly. I will always demand respect, and I will be mindful of the examples we set for our children. After all, whether married or not, that is our most significant responsibility.
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Summary:
The author discusses her experience with an ex-husband who makes disrespectful comments, particularly in front of their children. After initially tolerating his remarks to maintain peace, she realizes the importance of standing up for herself and the message it sends to their kids. She emphasizes that mutual respect is essential in co-parenting, and parents should model healthy communication for their children.
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