As a parent, I’ve made the decision to abstain from alcohol, a choice deeply influenced by my father’s struggles with drinking. He was a heavy drinker, and I spent a significant portion of my teenage years witnessing the consequences, including his time in jail for driving under the influence. One particularly vivid memory is of him arriving at my high school graduation, intoxicated and unsteady. I even had to use my earnings from a pizza job to bail him out of jail. His untimely death at 49 hit me hard; it seemed old when I was 19, but now in my 30s, I see just how young he truly was. He missed so much—my college graduation and my wedding. He should still be here.
While I have consumed alcohol in the past, I haven’t since getting married. Drinking never felt quite right for me; it was like wearing an uncomfortable suit. So, when my wife and I became parents, we agreed to live a life without alcohol. Our journey into practicing Mormonism before our marriage has helped us connect with other non-drinking parents. Yet, as I navigate fatherhood with three kids and my work as a parenting writer, I often find myself as the odd one out. Colleagues, for instance, unwind with “papa juice” at the end of the day, and I can’t deny that I sometimes see the allure of a drink to ease the stress of parenting.
I’ve seen countless memes about wine-loving moms, and I can’t help but recall the scene from Christmas Vacation where Clark asks his father how he copes with the chaos of the holidays. His father’s response? “A lot of help from Jack Daniels.” There are times I wish I could share that “help,” especially during the holiday season. When I go out with other parents, I’m often the only one at the table sipping a soda, while they enjoy their drinks.
Choosing not to drink has cost me some friendships. I’ve faced pressure from others to just “try it,” as if one drink would suddenly make life easier or our conversations more engaging. It can be frustrating for me, as a sober parent. Many people inquire how I manage parenting without alcohol, almost as if my sobriety is a unique skill. I share my reasons—my father, my faith—and when they ask if it’s for health reasons, I clarify that it’s not. I lead a completely normal life sans alcohol. Some parents understand; most do not. It’s as if they can’t grasp why someone would choose not to drink. This mindset can be a little unsettling.
One friend even asked if I was a monk, and I often hear comments insinuating that my life must be dull without drinking. However, parenting is anything but boring to me. I can honestly say that I haven’t missed any moments with my children. I engage with everything soberly, able to clearly recall both the joyful and challenging times. I feel every ounce of stress and love fully. I don’t crave nights out filled with drinking; instead, I save money and avoid the worries that come with alcohol, unlike my father’s experience.
This decision likely stems from my own baggage regarding my father’s legacy. Some might argue that if I just let loose and drank, I could avoid those feelings. But I won’t compromise my values.
What’s truly disheartening is the isolation that comes with being a non-drinking parent. Sometimes it feels like others don’t trust me or hesitate to invite me over, fearing I’ll be the “boring” one at gatherings.
If you know a parent who doesn’t drink, understand that it’s a conscious choice rooted in personal experiences. They aren’t strange or untrustworthy. There’s no need to persuade them to drink; they’re not uptight or lacking in fun. They simply choose not to drink. Accept that and move on. Their reasons are valid, whatever they may be.
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In summary, abstaining from alcohol as a parent is a personal and often isolating choice that stems from past experiences. Rather than viewing non-drinking parents as odd or untrustworthy, it’s important to respect their decisions and recognize that they lead fulfilling lives without alcohol.
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