I’m sitting on a bench at the park, enjoying the sunny day and watching my kids play. A fellow mom, whose name I don’t know, approaches me. We exchange small talk about our children and the pleasant weather. While some days I prefer solitude to recharge, today, I feel chatty. However, the atmosphere shifts when she asks, “Are your kids real siblings?”
In an instant, my mood plummets. Questions about the authenticity of my family—whether I’m a “real” mom, if my children are “real” siblings, or why their “real” parents chose adoption—are intrusive and often disheartening. Such inquiries can occur in front of my children, who, believe it or not, are perceptive and have feelings.
I am proud of my diverse family, which we have intentionally created through domestic infant adoption. My children know their adoption stories and we cherish those narratives, but they are private and not meant for casual strangers we meet at parks, airports, or restaurants.
Our Adoption Journey
Our journey began after I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that complicated the possibility of a safe pregnancy. After four years of marriage, we decided adoption would be our path. Our first child, a beautiful Black baby girl, joined our family after a 14-month wait. I vividly recall taking her to the mall for the first time, where onlookers were surprised to see a baby with curly black hair nestled against me.
Fast forward eleven years and four kids later, my family and I still attract attention. Along with smiles and compliments about our “beautiful family,” we face a barrage of questions. “Where are your kids from?” (Missouri, actually.) “Are you a foster parent?” (Nope.) “Do they see their biological families?” (Yes.) “Why couldn’t you have your own kids?” (These are my own kids.) “Are you planning to have biological children now that you’ve adopted?” (Not at all.) “How much did your children cost?” (We paid for the adoption process, not for kids.)
While some comments are well-intentioned, like “God bless you for adopting,” they can still miss the mark. However, the questions about our family’s “realness” are the most frustrating. Yes, we may not share the same race or DNA, and no, I didn’t give birth to my children, but we are undeniably a real family—bound by love and commitment.
Understanding Our Family Dynamics
I understand that for those outside the adoption experience, comprehending our reality can be challenging. They might feel a void from not experiencing pregnancy or baby showers. Yet, that doesn’t diminish the love and connection I share with my children. Relationships define our family, much like the bond between partners who may not be biologically related yet share a deep emotional connection.
When faced with inquiries about our family dynamics, I don’t believe there’s a polite way to ask about our authenticity. Repeated questions about whether my children are “real” siblings don’t bring me to tears, but they do highlight a misunderstanding. I won’t disclose personal information to those who assume we are less than complete because our family was formed through adoption.
A Call for Respect
If you encounter a family like mine, I encourage you to approach with warmth rather than interrogation. It’s natural to be curious, but respect is crucial. I’m happy to discuss general topics about adoption, but I draw the line at rude questions that pry into our family’s authenticity. Just as I wouldn’t ask you about personal details of your life, please refrain from needing justification about our family.
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In Summary
My children, despite being adopted, are my real kids. Our family is genuine, built on love and connection, regardless of our different backgrounds.
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