Kids, particularly siblings, have a remarkable ability to argue with one another. In my household, issues like hunger, jealousy, and fatigue often spark these skirmishes. Emotions run high, hurtful words are exchanged, and before you know it, there’s a flurry of tattling or even objects being tossed. A simple snack or a moment of quiet can usually restore harmony. However, as children grow, their disputes tend to delve into deeper emotional territories, affecting relationships with friends, teachers, coaches, and even each other. They crave more from their connections, and when disagreements arise, anxiety and fear frequently follow. It’s crucial that we equip our children to navigate confrontation—especially if you’re someone who prefers to avoid conflict.
I personally dive headlong into disagreements. For me, addressing issues head-on alleviates anxiety far quicker than letting them fester. I prefer to clear the air and resolve feelings of hurt or confusion as soon as possible. I’m a communicator at heart, eager to validate my feelings or offer an apology if necessary. If this resonates with you, that’s perfectly fine, but consider how you want your children to approach life. I don’t want my kids to grow up harboring feelings of victimization or self-denial; I want them to cultivate assertiveness and effective communication skills now so they’re confident in managing their own challenges later.
Resolving conflicts for our kids isn’t the solution. We need them to face these situations independently, but we can provide guidance. One of the first strategies I share with my children is the use of “I” statements when navigating conflicts. They often default to blaming others for their feelings. While external influences can certainly impact our emotions, it’s essential that they express themselves without making others feel attacked. Teaching them to articulate their feelings with phrases like, “I feel [emotion] when you [action]” can foster understanding.
Encourage your child to pause, breathe, and formulate a plan. What do they wish to convey? What outcome do they hope for? It’s vital to think about the potential reactions of the other person and consider what might happen if the conflict remains unresolved.
When faced with confrontation, fear is a typical response. Help your child understand that such feelings are normal and not always indicative of danger. It’s okay to feel uneasy. In an episode titled “In The Heat Of The Moment” on the podcast Hidden Brain, Julie Woodzicka elaborates on the various mental steps we take prior to confronting someone. We often weigh whether our feelings are worth voicing and determine if the issue at hand is “confrontation worthy.” Then comes the decision on how and when to approach the individual or situation. Finally, we execute the confrontation.
It’s important to acknowledge that confronting someone can be mentally and emotionally draining. We need to reassure our kids that while conflict resolution isn’t a walk in the park, it’s undeniably valuable. When we and our kids sidestep conflicts, we inadvertently create more issues. Suppressing our true feelings can breed resentment and frustration, damaging relationships and stifling vulnerability. Ignoring conflicts can exacerbate problems over time, negatively impacting our mental health as well. Stress-related illnesses often stem from bottled-up emotions.
The upsides of confrontation far surpass the anxieties surrounding it. One significant advantage is the possibility of finding a solution. My oldest son, Alex, was feeling overwhelmed about a school project and nervous about presenting it. He doubted the quality of his work but hesitated to ask his teacher for an extension. I encouraged him to devise a plan for his approach to the teacher and even suggested I could help facilitate a meeting before school. Although he initially wanted me to handle the communication, I insisted that it was his responsibility. He eventually agreed, and I accompanied him during the conversation.
Despite his nerves, Alex successfully expressed his needs and practiced his developing communication skills. He demonstrated emotional self-regulation, and by the end of the meeting, the burden on his shoulders had visibly lifted. While he didn’t get precisely what he desired, they reached a more favorable arrangement. Conflict provides an opportunity for individuals to be heard and encourages active listening among all parties involved.
Don’t shy away from having a disagreement or a difficult conversation in front of your child. These interactions shouldn’t escalate into shouting matches, but showcasing real-life confrontations and resolutions can be beneficial. It teaches children that everyone deserves a voice, and when used constructively, confrontation can lead to positive outcomes. Conflict is an inherent part of life, and with practice, it can become less intimidating and more empowering.
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Summary
Teaching children to effectively manage conflict is essential for their development. By using “I” statements, planning their approach, and understanding the natural feelings of fear, children can navigate confrontations with confidence. Encouraging open communication and modeling healthy conflict resolution will empower them to build stronger relationships throughout their lives.
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