My son was assigned female at birth (AFAB), a label strictly based on biological characteristics. In many cases, this label aligns with one’s identity—how individuals view and define themselves. However, this alignment is not universal. My son, like many others, experiences gender dysphoria, a profound feeling of unease when one’s external appearance clashes with their internal identity.
During the early days of understanding and embracing my son’s truth, a fellow parent asked, “He’s going to tell people he’s transgender when he starts dating, right?” Her tone suggested that she believed full disclosure was essential. “I wouldn’t want my daughter to fall for someone and later find out he’s transgender,” she added.
While I understand her concern comes from a place of love and care for her own child, it’s important to unpack the assumptions behind her question.
Let’s clarify some terms:
- A child who identifies with the gender assigned at birth is considered cisgender.
- If they identify with the opposite gender, they are transgender.
- Those who identify outside the traditional gender binary are classified as non-binary.
- Gender fluid individuals are comfortable identifying as more than one gender.
- And those who feel a lack of gender identity are referred to as agender.
How a child identifies is their personal journey. (For more insights, check out my essay, “Someone Else’s Gender Identity Isn’t About You.”) Similarly, a child’s sexual orientation is distinct from their gender identity and should also be respected as their own. Ultimately, who they choose to build relationships with is entirely their prerogative.
As a parent, it’s natural to envision your child’s future—the careers they might pursue, the paths they will take, and who will accompany them on their journey. However, it’s crucial to recognize the limits of your influence. You cannot control their health, interests, or romantic choices, which makes “what if” scenarios largely irrelevant.
Instead, focus on nurturing their independence. Teach them to set boundaries, live authentically, and embrace honesty and bravery. Encourage compassion and acceptance. Trust them, and instill in them the ability to trust themselves.
Now, back to the concerned mother’s question: “He’s going to tell people, right?”
My son, a teenager, presents as a young man. With his short, neatly trimmed hair and attire from the men’s section—think striped tees and relaxed joggers—his masculine presence is clear. His name is also distinctly male. So, what is there to disclose?
“Will he reveal he’s transgender while dating?” she pressed. I wonder if he should feel obligated to issue a formal announcement about his identity. In my own dating experiences, I’ve never initiated a conversation with, “Hi, I’m Laura, and I’m cisgender.”
Cultural norms are evolving. If you scroll through social media, you’ll see countless profiles showcasing preferred pronouns or proudly displaying pride flag emojis. If you’re not aware of the growing openness among individuals in the LGBTQ+ community, that’s on you.
“It wouldn’t be fair for my daughter to learn she’s in love with a transgender man,” she remarked. Let’s pause and consider what happens before love takes root: friendship, shared experiences, mutual interests, and emotional vulnerability.
It’s unnecessary to fret about someone falling for another person before discussing their identity. Moreover, it’s presumptuous and disrespectful to imply that my son would intentionally mislead someone in a relationship, as if he would pop the question and then casually add, “Oh, by the way, I’m transgender.”
Anyone who would engage in such deceit has significant character flaws unrelated to their gender identity. This brings us back to our role as parents—helping our children grow into kind, honest individuals.
Before I wrap this up, I have a few questions for you:
- What if your child was the one who broke my son’s heart?
- What if your child chose to date someone who is transgender?
- What if your child came to you and said, “I’m transgender”?
For more insights into navigating these discussions, visit this link. Additionally, you can explore authoritative resources like this page on home insemination kits, and check out this Wikipedia entry for further information on genetics and IVF.
In summary, understanding and respecting a child’s identity is crucial. As parents, we must foster independence and compassion, allowing our children to navigate their paths authentically while supporting them unconditionally.
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