Boys and girls, gather around! It’s time to split into two sides: boys on one end, girls on the other. No boys allowed! Are you a boy or a girl? You look like a girl. Those outfits scream girl! How many boys are here? All the girls, stand up! This is the girls’ restroom! Only one boy and one girl will be chosen. Boys can’t stay overnight.
A few years ago, my then seven-year-old child, Alex, calmly informed us that they no longer wanted to be regarded as a boy. At that point, Alex had long hair and sometimes wore skirts or pink clothing, which led to frequent misidentification as a girl—but it never seemed to faze them. We were taken aback when we asked, “Do you want to be called a girl?” Alex thought for a moment and replied, “No, because I’m neither.” Fast forward nearly three years, and Alex remains firm in their non-binary identity.
About a year before Alex shared their feelings about gender, they were diagnosed with autism. Initially, I intended to discuss the challenges of raising a child who is different in a conventional world, but Alex had another idea. “You should write about being non-binary in a gender-obsessed society,” they said. “Being non-binary is way harder than having autism.” I was surprised. As a parent, managing the complexities of autism seemed more daunting than simply not identifying strictly as a boy or girl. However, Alex faces both realities and believes that challenging gender norms is their biggest daily hurdle.
As Alex’s parent, I’m still learning what being non-binary means for them and how marginalized non-binary children can feel. The phrases mentioned earlier are ones Alex encounters almost daily, and they must be prepared to respond. I asked Alex to share three things they wish everyone knew about being a non-binary kid, and here’s what they shared.
1. Gender Neutrality Can Be Isolating
With schools dividing students into “boys” and “girls,” gender-segregated bathrooms, and gendered toys at stores, being non-binary can feel incredibly lonely. “Is there a non-binary line?” Alex once asked a substitute teacher who insisted on separating the class by gender. The teacher was perplexed by the question. When I inquired what Alex did, they said they lined up with the boys despite asking. “If there was a non-binary side,” Alex noted, “I would be the only one there.”
It’s essential to realize that transgender and gender non-conforming (TGNC) youth aren’t alone. Studies show that an increasing number of kids are rejecting traditional gender identities and identifying as gender fluid. Daniel Shumer, an expert in transgender medicine at the University of Michigan, emphasizes that previous estimates of the TGNC population have been grossly underestimated. Unfortunately, research indicates that TGNC children often experience poorer mental and physical health compared to their cisgender peers. Shumer urges schools and healthcare providers to move away from rigid gender definitions for the sake of these children’s well-being. After all, we all remember the loneliness of childhood; it’s even harder when outdated gender norms contribute to feeling marginalized.
2. It Takes Courage to Be Gender Non-Conforming
Not identifying strictly as a boy or girl can be intimidating for kids. “I feel anxious wearing skirts to school because most people see me as a boy and I don’t want to be teased,” Alex admitted. “But wearing skirts at home makes me happy because they’re beautiful.” Sadly, the fear of ridicule is just the tip of the iceberg. According to the Human Rights Campaign, a significant percentage of LGBTQ children suffer from depression, insomnia, and heightened stress, alongside feelings of worthlessness. Alarmingly, only 26% of gender-expansive youth feel safe in their classrooms, and a mere 5% perceive their teachers as supportive. Research shows that when gender non-conforming kids lack family support, they face higher risks of self-harm, homelessness, and suicide.
Navigating a world that doesn’t conform to gender norms is tough. That’s why it’s crucial for adults to create an environment where gender non-conforming children feel safe, cherished, and validated. “I understand why people are scared,” Alex mentioned. “No one wants to be the target of laughter. But you should embrace who you are; others’ opinions don’t matter.”
3. We Are Not Broken!
The most common question Alex encounters is, “Are you a boy or a girl?” While children may be trying to comprehend, it’s frustrating for Alex to constantly define their gender to strangers. Some peers relentlessly press for a straightforward answer, expecting a clear-cut classification. “For non-binary kids, gender is a box we don’t fit into,” Alex explained.
It’s our responsibility as adults to teach acceptance, emphasizing that gender is not merely binary and that it’s okay not to identify as strictly a boy or girl. Interestingly, I’ve noticed that understanding someone with an ambiguous gender can be just as challenging for adults as it is for kids. I get it; it can feel awkward not knowing someone’s gender, particularly when trying to decide which pronouns to use. But imagine how much harder it is for a gender-fluid person to clarify their identity for every confused bystander.
“I wish people wouldn’t care,” Alex said. “I wish they wouldn’t ask. No one should be harassed for saying they don’t identify with a gender.” However, they have a response ready when asked about being a boy or a girl: “Does it even matter?”
For me, as Alex’s parent, their gender identity is secondary to the fact that they are loved, no matter what. When Alex first expressed their non-binary identity, I worried. Did this mean they were suffering, or struggling with anxiety and depression due to their gender identity? We consulted Alex’s autism psychologist, who offered invaluable advice: “There’s nothing you can do to make Alex transgender. They either are or they aren’t. Your only role is to love and support them unconditionally. If they’re merely exploring, they’ll remember your steadfast love. If they truly are transgender, they need your support now more than ever, and this is when you show them they can trust you.”
As parents, our mission is to love and uplift our children regardless of where they fit on the gender spectrum. We must educate ourselves about the diverse gender identities in our society to foster a better world for our kids. Daniel Shumer believes that fostering understanding of how youth express gender is vital for reducing health disparities in the TGNC community.
To all transgender and gender non-conforming kids, Alex’s message is clear: “You’re okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. Others’ opinions don’t matter.” As the parent of a non-binary child, I hope we can all embrace kindness and wisdom.
For additional insights on navigating gender identity, check out this blog post from our site. If you’re exploring the journey of parenthood, this resource on pregnancy is also invaluable. Moreover, for those looking to boost fertility, visit this authority on the subject.
In summary, it’s essential to foster an understanding and supportive environment for non-binary kids, acknowledging their challenges while ensuring they feel loved and accepted, irrespective of gender identity.
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