We’ve had our fair share of difficult conversations in our family. From discussing the concept of cancer and its effects on behavior to explaining that sometimes, despite their best efforts, doctors can’t always heal someone, we’ve tackled some pretty heavy topics. I’ve even had to break the heartbreaking news of a loved one’s passing.
Recently, I faced another challenging discussion—not a matter of life and death, but one that had the potential to shift their world once again. Taking cues from their grief counselor, I decided to share the news that I had started dating. Over a casual dinner of hibachi noodles and fried rice, I explained it simply to my ten-year-old son, Jake, and my eight-year-old daughter, Lily. I reassured them that they would always be my top priority and that I wouldn’t introduce them to anyone unless I felt it was serious. Their lives wouldn’t change too drastically, aside from maybe having a babysitter a few nights a week.
The therapist had warned me that my kids might feel a mix of confusion and excitement, but I was unprepared for their immediate reaction. When I dropped the news, their faces transformed into expressions of shock and disbelief. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. How could I pursue my own happiness when they had already experienced so much pain? In that moment, I questioned whether my desire to date was selfish.
For a heartbeat that felt like an eternity, silence filled the air. My anxiety grew, and I grappled with the realization that this choice was ultimately for me—rooted in loneliness and the longing for companionship. I knew that choosing to date meant less time with them and redirecting some of my attention to someone else, which already felt spread too thin with work and parenting.
Just as I was scrambling for words to mend the perceived damage I had caused, something unexpected happened. Suddenly, they erupted with excitement! Jake’s eyes lit up, and Lily leaped from her chair, clapping her hands. They bombarded me with questions: Who was I dating? Was marriage in the cards? How did I find someone? Who would babysit when I went on my honeymoon? Did every phone have a dating app?
Their enthusiasm was both infectious and surprising. Responding to their barrage of questions, I tried to keep my answers straightforward, aligning with the therapist’s guidance to maintain honesty while remaining age-appropriate. For months, I had withheld this part of my life from them, keeping the concept of dating vague as I navigated my own feelings. I was still testing the waters, ensuring I wasn’t diving in too deep too soon.
However, once I shared the news, it opened the floodgates for more serious inquiries. “Will the person you date be our new dad?” they asked. “Can we love Daddy and someone new at the same time?” And the question that nearly shattered my heart: “Will we forget Daddy if we like this new guy?”
I was prepared to discuss my time commitments and reassure them of my love, but their concerns weren’t about me. Instead, they were worried about their capacity to love. It was a perspective I hadn’t anticipated.
But we’ve tackled tough conversations before. So that evening, I shared with them what I knew: remembering Daddy is something we do every time we speak his name. We can never forget him, no matter who might come into our lives. Love doesn’t diminish; it multiplies. Our hearts are capable of expanding to embrace more love, and welcoming someone new doesn’t take away from our memories of loved ones lost.
In sharing this truth, I hoped to ease their fears and encourage open dialogue about our feelings. This journey of understanding love and loss is ongoing, and as always, I’m here to guide them through.
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In summary, introducing the idea of dating to my children was daunting, but their unexpected excitement turned a potentially difficult conversation into a moment of connection and growth. Our ability to love expands instead of divides, and together, we’ll navigate this new chapter in our lives.
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