Parenting
by Sarah Mitchell
Updated: November 19, 2020
Originally Published: April 1, 2020
I was ten weeks along, wiping ultrasound gel off my belly while concentrating on my partner’s hand resting on my shoulder, trying to steady myself amid the chaotic swirl of emotions. Our doctor had just exited, leaving behind her devastating words: “There’s no heartbeat. I’m so sorry.” I held onto Jake’s hand, unsure of how to respond, so I simply echoed the doctor’s phrase, “I’m so sorry,” repeatedly. I felt sorrow—for us, for him, for the loss we now faced. I was also filled with regret for having shared our news with family and friends, and I couldn’t shake the thought that perhaps I had somehow contributed to this heartache.
In the months that followed that dreadful week of learning about our choices, undergoing the “final ultrasound” to confirm the loss, and the D&C procedure, I tried to keep my darker thoughts at bay. I knew rationally that those negative feelings were unfounded. I thought I was coping as I should—being open with others, allowing myself to grieve, and maintaining a mantra of positive affirmations: it wasn’t my fault, it was nothing I did, and this doesn’t mean I can’t become a mother.
However, I began to realize that by focusing solely on positivity, I was suppressing my darker thoughts. Contrary to our instincts, acknowledging these negative thoughts is not just acceptable; it can also be beneficial. Ignoring them often gives them more power. Instead, we should confront them, challenge their validity, and ultimately release them. If you’re reading this and have experienced something similar, let’s navigate some of this darkness together.
Common Thoughts After a Miscarriage
What if it was because I lifted that heavy suitcase?
What if my morning latte with espresso caused it?
What if I inadvertently did this to myself after years of fearing pregnancy?
People have kindly said it’s “a blessing,” suggesting the baby wouldn’t have thrived due to a fatal defect. But what if it was nature’s way of telling me I’m not meant to be a mother?
Did I eat something I shouldn’t have forgotten?
Did my cat accidentally step on my belly in a crucial spot?
Was it because I had reservations about being pregnant from the very start? Maybe my baby sensed that.
I know, deep down, that none of these thoughts hold any truth. Yet, the guilt and anxiety still creep in. I’ve found that vocalizing these negative thoughts, especially to someone I trust, helps to process them. One night, I mustered the courage to voice, “Do you think it’s because I had espresso?” Jake was quick to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault at all. More importantly, by discussing it, we clarified why that thought was unfounded. After our conversation, I felt a small relief from the tightness in my chest.
Confronting and illuminating your dark thoughts can make them less daunting when they resurface. A doctor once told us, “The good news is you did nothing wrong. But the bad news is you did nothing wrong.” Miscarriages occur in approximately one in four pregnancies. In some strange way, I find comfort in the fact that I’m that one out of four, rather than my siblings who were also expecting last year. With such high statistics, why is this topic still shrouded in silence?
I recognize how fortunate I am; Jake and I conceived relatively quickly, I’m still young and healthy, and we have a strong support network. Yet, I can hold these blessings alongside my grief. The past five months have been filled with challenging days, and I know we have more difficult moments ahead—like the due date of April 8, and the upcoming Mother’s and Father’s Days. And the anxiety of future pregnancies looms large.
Sending hugs to all the grieving parents (and grandparents, aunts, and uncles) out there. I can only imagine the losses endured by others. Not everyone may feel comfortable sharing their stories, but I hope we can foster a more supportive environment for those dealing with miscarriages. You don’t have to navigate this journey in silence or shame. It is normal to experience guilt, worry, shame, and even moments of relief. Allow yourself to embrace both the positive and negative thoughts, while discerning which ones to believe.
For further insights, consider checking out this article from Home Insemination Kit or this excellent resource on Kindbody.
To increase your chances of conception, you might also want to look into Make a Mom, where they offer guidance on fertility supplements.
Summary
This heartfelt reflection explores the emotional turmoil surrounding miscarriage, emphasizing that the experience is not the fault of the parents. It discusses the importance of acknowledging both positive and negative thoughts, while also encouraging open conversations about loss. The author shares personal struggles and insights, suggesting that support and understanding are crucial in navigating this painful journey.
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