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People often react negatively to my words not because of their content, but due to the manner in which I express them. The emotions, intentions, and fervor I bring to my message often overshadow the actual point I am trying to convey. This tendency to fixate on tone rather than substance is known as tone policing. As a queer individual and advocate for LGBTQIA+ rights, my identity complicates the dynamic in various discussions. The perception of my message changes based on the listeners, and when discomfort arises, the focus shifts to how I communicate rather than what I’m communicating.
When individuals feel uneasy, they may criticize the tone of my speech, labeling it as unprofessional, aggressive, or inappropriate. Instead of engaging with the real issues at hand, they often deflect accountability by suggesting I should be more pleasant or composed. This is a common form of tone policing, particularly aimed at marginalized communities and women—most notably Black women. It’s an unfortunate reality that persists in many environments.
Recently, I led a training session for teachers on creating inclusive classrooms for transgender and gender nonconforming students. The principal requested that I refrain from using any profanity, as some teachers might be offended. This wasn’t a warning; it highlighted how certain staff might choose to focus on my language rather than the critical content of the training. The pressing issues—such as the alarming rates of suicide contemplation among transgender youth due to lack of support—would be overshadowed by concerns over my choice of words.
Examples of Tone Policing
Tone policing manifests in various dismissive phrases, including:
- “Can you relax? I don’t like your tone.”
- “You can’t address me like that.”
- “I wish you would control your anger.”
- “There’s no need to be so upset.”
- “Why not express that more nicely?”
Typically, tone policing originates from those in privileged positions in a conversation, serving to invalidate the experiences and feelings of others. This is particularly evident when challenging discussions about race, gender, or discrimination arise. When a passionate Black woman speaks out against injustice, the discomfort felt by others may be rooted in racism and sexism, diverting attention away from the critical issues she raises.
It’s essential to recognize that tone policing often shifts the burden back onto the victim, making their earnest emotions seem irrational. We must normalize emotional expression in all facets of life; being passionate or upset does not equate to being harmful or aggressive. Those who engage in tone policing often dictate the acceptable boundaries for emotional expression, which can marginalize those who are already facing significant challenges.
Dismissing someone’s emotional response to a matter that deeply affects them is not only disrespectful but can also be seen as gaslighting. Marginalized groups—like queer individuals, people of color, and those with disabilities—frequently face pressure to adjust their emotions or communication styles because others are uncomfortable. It’s crucial to understand that you don’t need to have experienced someone else’s struggles to validate them.
Consider this statement: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPERIENCE OUR STRUGGLES TO BELIEVE OUR STRUGGLES.” If that felt too intense or loud for you, then you might be engaging in tone policing. The core message remains unchanged, but your reaction is influenced by your comfort level.
Privilege lies in the ability to demand comfort over discomfort. When faced with someone else’s emotions, reflect on why you feel uneasy. Are you trying to sidestep the topic by pointing out their tone? Are you prioritizing emotions over the main issue? It’s vital to listen to those who express their hurt rather than attempt to silence or control how they do so.
People will naturally express strong emotions when their rights and lives are at stake. Instead of asking us to tone it down, we invite you to truly listen. Acknowledge your biases and embrace the discomfort that comes with understanding someone else’s pain. Work towards amplifying their message rather than quieting it. Additionally, it’s important to hold friends and colleagues accountable when they engage in tone policing.
Further Reading
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Summary
Tone policing is a damaging practice where individuals focus on the way someone communicates rather than the substance of their message. This often happens to marginalized groups, particularly women of color, and serves to invalidate their experiences and emotions. It’s crucial to recognize tone policing and encourage open, honest dialogue without dismissing the feelings involved.
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