If Chore Equity Is the Objective, It's Time to Stop Micromanaging Your Partner

Let’s get straight to the point: there’s a right way and a less-than-right way to handle household tasks. Take laundry, for example. As long as the clothes come out clean, there’s really no “wrong” approach, but let’s be honest—how they’re folded can spark debates. I tend to fold clothes in what I consider the proper manner, while my partner, Alex, has his own method that I deem less effective. However, I’m learning to hold my tongue because the alternative—doing the laundry myself—is far more undesirable.

Recently, when Alex returned from his grocery shopping expedition, I caught myself offering unsolicited advice on how to shop. I quickly realized that when he’s the one braving the outside world for our family’s needs, this isn’t the moment to critique his choices about snacks or the type of peanut butter. He’s fully capable and usually handles it well on his own.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that if I want Alex to share the burden of household chores and emotional labor, I need to resist the urge to nitpick. This goes both ways: while Alex excels at cooking, he knows better than to complain about my slightly overcooked casserole. Why? Because he understands that criticism will only lead to a series of bland meals for the week.

The Importance of Chore Equity

The goal for everyone should be to share household responsibilities fairly. Unfortunately, statistics show that women in heterosexual relationships often spend nearly 50% more time on daily chores and childcare than their male counterparts. It’s crucial to understand that chore equity doesn’t necessarily mean an equal split. As Dr. Sara Thompson, a sociologist at the University of Alberta, puts it, “Equity is about perceiving the division of labor as fair.” What matters is finding a balance that both partners agree on, which doesn’t have to be a strict 50-50 split.

You don’t need to keep a scorecard of chores; that often leads to resentment. Life isn’t always even, and we each have different strengths. For instance, Alex handles the kids’ homework better than I do, while I take pride in organizing the kitchen. He enjoys grocery shopping, while I’d rather do just about anything else. We both detest home improvement tasks, so we try to tackle those together or hire help.

Avoiding Micromanagement

A surefire way to disrupt chore equity is to micromanage or impose unrealistic expectations on your partner. This doesn’t mean you should tolerate subpar work; rather, it’s about recognizing that there’s more than one way to achieve the same goal. If you can agree on overarching family objectives, you can afford to relax the reins a bit. So, take my advice: refrain from chastising your partner over their folding technique. Just don’t.

Stop micromanaging, complaining, and nitpicking. Your partner is an adult who has chosen to navigate life with you—let them do so independently. Demeaning them by treating them like a child is counterproductive for both of you. Instead, practice restraint and allow Alex to be the capable adult he is.

I’m still in the process of learning this lesson myself. By keeping quiet when I would have previously intervened, I’m discovering the freedom that comes with not needing to control every aspect of domestic life. Chore equity, it turns out, is immensely rewarding—even more satisfying than perfectly folded towels.

Conclusion

In summary, achieving chore equity involves recognizing that everyone has their own strengths and preferences. By stepping back and allowing your partner to contribute in their own way, you’ll not only lighten your load but also foster a healthier partnership.