For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken charge at home. This role wasn’t something I sought; it emerged naturally after marrying my ex-husband, who went off to work while I stayed home to care for our children. Growing up with three sisters and a single mother, I had little exposure to the male perspective. My father was mostly absent post-divorce, and I witnessed my mother handling everything solo. Somewhere along the way, I adopted the belief that women were responsible for it all, and I stepped into that role without question.
What I didn’t fully grasp was the stark difference in how men and women perceive responsibilities. While I was preoccupied with worries about a carpet stain, the nutritional value of the cereal I purchased, and our child’s reading level, he was focused solely on the present moment—nothing more. It’s often the case that men don’t notice their child’s pants are too short; moms do, and we diligently add it to our mental checklist.
He would ask me where things were when he needed them. I managed the laundry, and if something was dirty, he would simply wait until I handled it. I was the one making appointments for the doctor and dentist, and when I was pulled over for a lapsed inspection with three small children in the car, it hit me that I had another task to add to my list.
From the moment we become mothers, our instincts kick in: Is the baby hungry? Are they breathing well? Is everything normal post-delivery? Do we have enough food in case visitors drop by? What’s that unfamiliar smell? Meanwhile, fathers seem to be preoccupied with their social lives, often joking around while asking where their phone is to take a picture.
No one checks in on how exhausted moms are from juggling numerous tasks. Society often overlooks the plight of working moms who manage household chores alongside their careers. Yet, when fathers are spotted taking their kids to the park or grocery shopping, they are met with admiration, as if they’ve performed a heroic act.
The mental burden has always been disproportionately heavy on mothers, and the lack of support is glaring. We’re told to relax, to let things slide, to focus on the present, and to postpone our worries. Meanwhile, fathers typically don’t fret over the state of the house when guests arrive or whether their kids’ socks match for school. They certainly aren’t rushing to finish their tasks to help prepare dinner for their partner.
When the pandemic struck and schools closed, I found myself juggling online learning for my kids while working from home. My ex-husband texted me, asking how we would manage and if I could ensure the kids completed their schoolwork before he picked them up. He also suggested I monitor their screen time and mentioned my supposed overindulgence in fast food. This demonstrated his expectation for me to handle everything without any acknowledgment of the additional stress I was under.
The challenges of pandemic life have highlighted these disparities. A friend shared that she and her husband argue about grocery shopping because he neglects to sanitize items, leaving her with that responsibility. Another working mom expressed frustration about juggling her business and her children’s education while her husband struggled with bedtime routines.
In conversations with friends, I noticed that while I discussed financial stress and my mental exhaustion, the men reflected on their college escapades, seemingly detached from the pressing realities we face. They don’t lie awake at night worrying about the next day’s tasks or the emotional needs of everyone around them.
We are fatigued because our minds are constantly occupied with future tasks and the emotional well-being of our families, especially during these challenging times. Many partners insist we should just express our needs, but even that requires mental effort—a task that adds to our already full plates. Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist, notes that despite some men stepping up, the extra workload typically defaults to mothers who inherently take on the caregiver role, even while managing external jobs.
Indeed, moms worldwide are feeling overwhelmed right now. If you’re wondering why you’re so drained and irritable, it’s because your mental load has doubled during COVID-19. Remember, you’re justified in feeling this way, and you are not alone. When this is all over, there should be some form of national support for mothers, or at the very least, a realization among partners about the importance of shared responsibilities.
For further insights on this topic, check out this blog post and learn about navigating the complexities of family life. Another great resource is Make a Mom, which offers authoritative guidance on the journey to parenthood. Additionally, for those looking into fertility and pregnancy, Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource.
In summary, the weight of mental load continues to fall unevenly on mothers, a situation exacerbated by current global challenges. As we navigate these unprecedented times, it is essential to recognize and address this imbalance for the well-being of families everywhere.
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