Grief has taken away my ability to enjoy entertainment as I once did.
As I reflect on the overwhelming onset of the pandemic, I realize I was late to engage in the “Tiger King” craze that captivated so many. While everyone around me was immersed in discussions and memes about the show, I was left on the sidelines. I caught glimpses through reviews and social media, but I didn’t participate in the collective experience. It wasn’t for a lack of time; as a single parent navigating crisis schooling and attempting to establish my career during a global crisis, I certainly had moments when the kids were asleep, but instead of diving into a series, I often found myself too mentally fatigued to focus on anything substantial.
Instead of watching television, I used it as mere background noise to fill the silence of my home, which felt too empty without the presence of my loved one. I would scroll through social media or write, but mostly, I drifted into endless rabbit holes online, feeling disconnected from the conversations happening around me.
The Impact of Grief on the Mind
What I didn’t realize at first was the phenomenon known as “grief brain.” Before experiencing the profound loss of my partner, I had never heard of this term. I assumed that watching a television show was a simple task—just sit and enjoy. However, the emotional weight of my grief made it difficult to concentrate. Dr. Lisa M. Shulman, a neurologist at the University of Maryland, explains how emotional trauma can impact the brain just as severely as physical injury, leading to confusion, forgetfulness, and disorientation.
I distinctly remember the early days of my grief, when I started missing appointments, something that was unheard of for me before. I would often wander from room to room, unable to recall my purpose. Even picking up a beloved book felt futile, as the words seemed to lose their magic, barely holding my attention.
Finding Connection in Shared Experiences
It wasn’t until I began reading about others’ experiences with grief that I understood I wasn’t alone. Grief is not just a fleeting sadness felt during a funeral or on significant dates; it’s a constant presence that reshapes how you view the world. Acknowledging this reality helped me grant myself the grace to navigate through my emotions and find my way back.
Today, while I feel a bit more grounded, the ability to enjoy shows or books hasn’t fully returned. This is particularly frustrating during a pandemic, where immersing myself in a series or joining in on a trending conversation would be a welcome distraction. In virtual gatherings, when asked what I’m watching, I find myself fumbling for a response. My list of shows to watch continues to grow, yet I still struggle to engage with them, even two years after my loss.
Embracing the Journey of Healing
I know I’m not broken by grief; it’s simply part of my journey. Healing is a process that varies for each individual, and I remain hopeful that I will eventually reconnect with the joys of entertainment. I seek solace in understanding that this experience is valid and that others may feel the same way. Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to dive back into the cultural conversations that I’ve missed, but for now, I accept where I am.
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Conclusion
In summary, grief can significantly alter your ability to engage with activities you once enjoyed, such as watching television or reading. It’s essential to recognize that this experience is valid and shared by many. While the journey through grief is complex and personal, finding understanding and connection with others can be a source of comfort.
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