Lifestyle
By Jamie Collins
Updated: November 3, 2020
Originally Published: November 3, 2020
The last time I spoke with my mother was on June 19, 2020. I can’t quite remember what prompted me to call her. My husband, kids, and I were enjoying a peaceful vacation upstate, filled with hiking and boat rides on the serene lake. It was a lovely morning, and I was sipping iced coffee while strolling down a quiet Main Street. Everything felt tranquil, a stark contrast to the chaos that usually surrounded my life.
Under normal circumstances, a call to my mother could wait due to her fragile mental state. My therapist often emphasized the importance of boundaries, but for some reason, I dialed her number that morning.
During our twenty-minute conversation, we covered topics like politics, Netflix, and the pandemic. However, it quickly became clear that something was amiss. Her speech was rapid and slurred, with one word blending into another, and her thoughts were scattered. She expressed paranoia about her neighbor and voiced fears about President Trump. Despite my best efforts to remain calm and measured, my patience wore thin, and I eventually told her I had to go.
I said, “I love you. Take care.” But she wasn’t okay; she was intoxicated, and this episode would prove irreversible. A few days later, on June 23, I found her face down in her own vomit.
While it feels sad and ominous to admit, I knew this day would come. My mother had been battling serious health issues for years. In the ’90s, she faced mental health challenges, grappling with anxiety and depression without any medical support. By 2010, she began self-medicating with alcohol and cigarettes, leading to frequent blackouts.
After losing her job in 2013, her limited finances were spent on alcohol rather than necessities. Over time, her depression deepened, consuming her with despair and irritability. She became increasingly withdrawn, neglecting basic self-care, and I found myself trying to help her emotionally and financially.
Caring for a mentally ill or alcoholic parent often feels like an uphill battle. You want to save them—not just from their illness, but from their own destructive behaviors. You might offer to take them to appointments, stage interventions, and reassure them that they don’t have to face this alone. You grieve for the person they used to be while clinging to hope. But it doesn’t stop there.
This experience involves sending anxious texts, holding your breath for responses that may never come. The silence could mean your loved one is unconscious or worse. It’s also laden with shame; I hid my mother’s struggles from others, fearing judgment.
There’s confusion, too. I found it hard to remember the vibrant woman my family described—the one who sang joyfully and lived boldly. Instead, I could only see the unstable person she had become. The emotional toll is exhausting, requiring immense strength to persevere.
Guilt is another heavy burden. My mother needed help, and I grappled with the question of why I had to establish boundaries. The truth is, I realized I couldn’t help her unless she was willing to seek help herself.
Did it hurt? Absolutely. It still does. I mourn the relationship we never had and the mother I wish I could have known. Through therapy, I process this pain and speak openly with my children about their grandmother. Deep down, I understand that her passing wasn’t anyone’s fault. She was in pain and suffering from her illness, which is the hardest truth to confront. Knowing this doesn’t ease the discomfort or bring her back, but it can lead to acceptance and peace.
For more insights on navigating challenges related to mental health and addiction, check out this post on Home Insemination Kit, and for additional resources, visit Make a Mom or RMANY.
Possible Search Queries:
- How to care for a mentally ill parent
- Dealing with an alcoholic parent
- Emotional impact of caring for a sick parent
- Setting boundaries with an alcoholic loved one
- Understanding mental illness in family members
Summary:
Caring for a mentally ill and alcoholic parent is a complex emotional journey filled with challenges such as anxiety, confusion, shame, and guilt. It can be exhausting to navigate the relationship while trying to establish boundaries for your own well-being. The struggle to help a loved one who is unwilling to seek help often leads to a painful sense of loss and mourning, even before their passing. Acceptance and understanding are crucial in finding peace amid the turmoil.
Leave a Reply