My partner and I find ourselves in the laundry room together. He’s transferring wet clothes from the washer to the dryer while I search for the broom to clean up lunchtime crumbs. For a fleeting moment, our bodies touch, and we exchange “the look.” But just as quickly, we hear one of our kids, currently engaged in remote learning, let out a loud scream. In an instant, our moment vanishes, and we’re back to parenting duties.
The pandemic has significantly affected our intimate life, and I know many couples share this struggle. With our endless daily chores, which seem to repeat endlessly, finding time for intimacy is no longer a priority. In fact, it’s not on any agenda.
Date nights used to set the mood—dinner at a restaurant while a babysitter watched the kids often led to a weekend filled with intimacy. Now, we have no babysitters, no outings, and no romantic dinners. Sure, we could order takeout after the kids are in bed, but we’re usually too drained by 5 p.m. to even think about it. Instead, we dine with the kids at an early dinner time of around 5:30.
Experts suggest scheduling intimate moments, simply jotting them on the calendar, but we all know that’s not how passion works. While we could try to sneak in a midday encounter, work calls and Zoom meetings take precedence over romance. We face constant interruptions—approximately every sixty seconds.
Quickies might seem like a solution, but most women, myself included, will say it takes time to get in the mood. The idea of a quick encounter is appealing, but it’s nearly impossible to switch from helping with math homework to romantic thoughts in just a few minutes. How are we supposed to shift our mindset from Common Core to intimacy in a snap? (Experts, any insights?)
We often find ourselves out of sync when it comes to desire, and the pandemic has only intensified our work obligations and the challenges of remote learning. Our shared space has become cluttered with piles of books, papers, and toys, hardly conducive to romance. In movies, characters can easily clear off their desks and counters to indulge in passion. But in reality, I can’t enter a room without a child trailing behind me within moments.
I know several friends are in the same boat. We are grateful to be safe at home, but that doesn’t mean our lives resemble a romantic novel. Both my partner and I appear worn out all the time, and neither of us has the energy to “slip into something more comfortable” to ignite passion.
We shuffle around, sipping lukewarm coffee, helping our kids log onto Zoom, reheating leftovers for lunch, sweeping crumbs, and managing work responsibilities. Most days, we feel like zombies—not exactly the mood for romance. The pandemic is a genuine mood-killer.
Maybe we should pretend to be interested, but that’s not our style. Instead, we resign ourselves to the current dry spell. I know experts encourage us to make an effort, but almost everyone I know is too drained, lacking the motivation or energy to initiate intimacy. We’re just trying to navigate each day without a meltdown.
We wash masks, distribute hand sanitizer, assist our kids with their schoolwork, run the dishwasher, vacuum, and change the sheets. We email colleagues, schedule meetings at odd hours, and try to keep midday open for our children’s learning needs. Coffee runs, grocery shopping, and brief recess breaks with the kids fill our days.
We do our best, despite what experts may say. Those who can leisurely enjoy intimacy on a Tuesday probably have nannies and housekeepers, not everyday parents juggling their jobs and their kids’ education.
There are moments when I feel guilty for not engaging physically. It’s not about obligation but rather an unmet need we both share. We feel better afterward, but finding the right time and place is challenging, especially with life’s unpredictability.
It’s essential to recognize that not having sex regularly doesn’t mean we’re failing. It’s tough to balance work, parenting, and life during a global crisis. There’s no right way to navigate this chaotic year. It is what it is.
Furthermore, intimacy isn’t solely defined by physical connection. After over twenty years together, we understand each other’s needs—sometimes it’s a kind word, a helping hand, or just a shared eye-roll when the kids are acting up. Togetherness transcends mere physical intimacy.
We must allow ourselves to acknowledge that COVID-19 has altered many aspects of our lives, including our intimate relationships. It’s perfectly acceptable to not feel in the mood and to nurture our connection in various ways. We can also disregard unrealistic advice from experts when we’re knee-deep in the challenges of remote learning and working. If the moment arises for intimacy, we can embrace it, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
For those seeking more insights, check out this blog post for tips on nurturing connections during challenging times. Additionally, Make a Mom provides valuable information on home insemination kits. For further resources on pregnancy, visit NICHD.
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Summary:
The pandemic has significantly disrupted many couples’ intimate lives, pushing romance to the back burner amid the chaos of remote work and parenting. With constant interruptions and exhaustion, finding time for intimacy feels nearly impossible. However, it’s crucial to recognize that intimacy can take many forms, and it’s okay to navigate this challenging period without pressure. Embracing other ways to nurture relationships can be just as valuable as physical connection.
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