I share my home with three teenagers who opted for fully online learning this year. So, it might seem like we’re together all the time since I work remotely. However, that’s not exactly the case. It’s nearly 11 a.m. and I’ve only seen my eldest son for about five minutes as he grabbed breakfast while I rummaged for my running clothes in the dryer.
After my shower, I checked in on my daughter, who was engrossed in her math class on the computer. My youngest is nowhere to be seen, but I’ve heard him using the bathroom and some noises from his room, so I assume he’s doing alright.
Initially, when my kids retreated to their rooms, I felt a pang of sadness. They’d come home from school, grab a snack, shrug at my attempts to chat about their day, and often stay holed up until dinner.
I used to knock on their doors, trying to coax them out. I even resorted to bribing them with ice cream and dinners at their favorite restaurants just to spend some time together. I felt lonely, as if everything was off-kilter. One day, I had three lively kids who loved chatting with me, and the next, they seemed to want nothing to do with me, always hiding in their rooms.
You might yearn for quieter days when they were younger, but when you get them, it feels strange and you think, Wait, this isn’t what I wanted.
Conversations with other moms of teens have reassured me that this is completely normal. It’s not a reflection on you. While they might express how embarrassing you are, it truly has nothing to do with you.
Teenagers are wrapped up in their own lives and social circles. They desperately want to connect with friends (even online) and explore their identities separate from their parents.
So, is this normal? Yes. Is it tough? Absolutely.
One key lesson I’ve learned with my three teens (who are close in age yet very different in how they cope) is this: it’s okay, and often better, to give them the space they need.
If your teens spend days in their rooms, it’s likely because they need that time alone. I’m not suggesting you ignore them entirely. It’s important to check in, ask how they’re doing, and show that you care (they might not respond, but they hear you).
It’s vital to remember—whether they’re facing challenges or just want solitude—it’s perfectly fine to let them be. It’s okay to be concerned without feeling the need to act on every little thing. You can’t magically bring back the chatty versions of themselves you once knew.
My youngest, at 14, has essentially transformed his room into a sanctuary with special lights and even a mini fridge. He’s started growing plants and I suspect he’s nurturing a small colony of queen ants in there too.
When my older two were his age, they also preferred staying in their rooms, and I had a difficult time with it. I wondered what it meant, if they were okay, and what it said about my parenting. Would they ever return to their previous selves who would want to spend time with me?
So, I intruded. I pressured them. I smothered them, all because it made me uncomfortable. This approach was unhelpful for everyone involved.
Eventually, I realized that just allowing them some space made a significant difference. My eldest two, now 17 and 15, come out of their rooms much more frequently and engage in conversations with me. They may not be the same as they were at ten, but that’s perfectly acceptable—they’re growing into who they’re meant to be.
We all evolve; we all require space. As parents, we must recognize that our teens retreating into their own world is a natural part of their development.
They know they’re welcome to join us on the couch, suggest family movie nights, or accept our many invitations. They just don’t always feel like it, and that’s fine.
Give them the freedom to be themselves, and I assure you they’ll come around much sooner than if you’re constantly hovering over them. I learned this lesson the hard way, so you don’t have to.
For more insights on parenting, check out this other blog post, which you might find engaging. Additionally, if you’re looking for authoritative resources on home insemination, visit Make a Mom and this excellent resource on female infertility.
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