The holiday season is my absolute favorite time of year. I adore everything about it, and on the best days, I feel most like myself surrounded by festive treats and twinkling lights. The baking, the decorating, and binge-watching holiday movies bring me so much joy that once the celebrations wrap up, I immediately start counting down to the next season. Last year, after packing away the decorations, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. I tried to reassure myself in front of my kids, saying, “It’ll be February before we know it! I start decorating and watching Christmas movies around Halloween, so technically, I only have to wait nine months!” My youngest, sensing my melancholy, reached over to give me a hug, and I could tell it was out of sympathy.
However, my passion for all things festive doesn’t mean my anxiety fades away. In fact, I believe it intensifies during this time of year. I first became aware of this about twenty years ago when I was in the shower, nearly having a panic attack while thinking about how to find the time to shop for gifts for everyone, host cookie exchanges, plan craft nights, buy all the decorations I wanted, and prepare Christmas dinner. I was determined to do it all, but my mind was stuck in a loop, worrying about how to afford everything and fulfill all my plans.
I found myself waking up early and rushing through my days, with my weekends consumed by tasks that left me feeling stressed rather than joyful. My partner noticed the shift in my mood and, in his familiar tone, pointed out that I was ruining his holiday. I insisted that my excitement was the reason for my restlessness. He replied, “That’s not excitement; it’s anxiety.” And he was right.
My heart raced, preventing me from enjoying the very things I had been looking forward to. It was a constant cycle of moving from one task to another, all while worrying about what came next, a hallmark of high-functioning anxiety. This pressure to create a perfect holiday experience can become overwhelming, leading to burnout before the festivities even conclude.
During the holidays, I often feel compelled to do it all, believing that I can handle the immense pressure. Yet, I put unrealistic expectations on myself, which I would never impose on others. When attempting to relax with family, I find it difficult to unwind. Instead, I become frustrated when things don’t go according to my vision, whether it’s the tree decoration, Christmas dinner planning, or even the placement of candles in the windows. Everything has to be just right, and it feels like it’s all on my shoulders.
Growing up, my mother was always stressed during the holidays, and I hated how it sucked the joy out of the season. She was constantly frazzled, and I don’t want to be that person who diminishes the magic for my family. Yes, I want to engage in all the holiday activities—it’s ingrained in who I am—but I also struggle with anxiety, making it hard to differentiate between doing things out of joy and out of obligation.
My partner was correct all those years ago; when you’re not enjoying the activities you once looked forward to, it’s not excitement—it’s something more burdensome. Many people share this struggle, unable to realize that it’s okay to take a step back and savor the moment instead of feeling the need to manufacture every experience.
Every year, I work on finding this balance, and it’s an ongoing internal battle. But for those of us dealing with high-functioning anxiety, we’re resilient and continually seek ways to cope. Perhaps, along the journey, we can learn to forgive ourselves for not always getting it right and even let go of the need to be perfect.
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In summary, the holiday season can bring both joy and anxiety, especially for those who strive for perfection. Acknowledging this struggle is the first step towards finding balance and allowing ourselves to enjoy the festivities while managing our expectations.
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